I wish scientists would just make up their mind.

[Nestorath69]

Listen. First off, Science proves the validity of the bible and it's teachings. If you need references, check out "The case for christ" a book written by a lawyer who put the Bible and christ on trial. very concise and definitive.

Second: it's wrong for the creator of this thread to attempt to put his face forward the way he did and attempt to force his beliefs on anyone else. A true believer in Christ would never force his opinions and beliefs on anyone, because they would recognize that everyone has their own path to walk.

So let's end this. this forum is innappropriate for this kind of discussion.

[UncleMilo]

I have no interest in the Bible. There's too much hate, intolerance, ignorance and contradiction in it. While science is certainly not solid, it is a brick compared to the bible.

Exodus 18:22
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
(Homosexuals are an abomination according to this passage)

Exodus 22:18
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
(You wouldn't begin to guess the number of women who have been killed because of this line)

Exodus 22:20
He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed.
(Anyone who worships a different god should be killed)

Exodus 34:14
For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God
(More on that don't worship anyone else... God gets jealous apparently)

Genesis 1:30
And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
(All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas -- all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. But, of course, we now know that there were carnivorous animals millions of years before humans existed.)

Genesis 4:14
Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
(Isn't God supposed to know everything? Anyway...Cain is afraid of being found out by everyone else... which is a big concern when according to the Bible, everyone else is his parents.)



Well... I gotta stop there.

-Uncle Milo

[ErMaC]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop...

You know the place...


Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY!

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said
"IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel!

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one - way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great.
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in - flight movie was Bio - Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve - pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow - in - the - dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean!

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything.

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock - Of - Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one - nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream - filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream - filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this...

Doh!!!
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
OH Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey,"
"You've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint - flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment!!"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"Nooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did.

And then he gets all indignant on me!!
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname: Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
like AAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I

hate

sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self - doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place

called Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)

......


"querque!!!!" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[Vlad86]

That was the best post yet, Ermac. Threads that involve heated debate on religion always turn to crap, as one side says their right then the other says no we're right and your wrong, and then the other side says no we're not, and the other side says prove it, and the other side says no you prove it, and then we get a divine mesage from Weird Al.

And MinnieMoose, what the hell is it with you and apples!? You can go and pick your own damn apples.

Oh and if humans lived at the same time as dinosaurs, then all those supposed ficitous cave man movies are in fact truthful.

The Bible is still written by man, science is published by man, so which man do you believe? They're both human......

[azulmagia]

I have no interest in the Bible. There's too much hate, intolerance, ignorance and contradiction in it. While science is certainly not solid, it is a brick compared to the bible.

Exodus 18:22
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
(Homosexuals are an abomination according to this passage)

Exodus 22:18
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
(You wouldn't begin to guess the number of women who have been killed because of this line)

Exodus 22:20
He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed.
(Anyone who worships a different god should be killed)

Exodus 34:14
For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God
(More on that don't worship anyone else... God gets jealous apparently)

Genesis 1:30
And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
(All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas -- all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. But, of course, we now know that there were carnivorous animals millions of years before humans existed.)

Genesis 4:14
Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
(Isn't God supposed to know everything? Anyway...Cain is afraid of being found out by everyone else... which is a big concern when according to the Bible, everyone else is his parents.)



Well... I gotta stop there.

-Uncle Milo

I got a whole lot more than that. I've collected them into a document that also contains some commentary. Here are a few of the more amusing ones:

2 Chronicles 13:15-18 - 500,000 Israelites are slain by God

John 1:18, 1 Timothy 6:16, Exodus 33:20,23, Exodus 24:9-10, Genesis 26:2, Genesis 32:20, Amos 9:1 - Has anyone ever seen God?

Luke 6:13-16, Matthew 10:2-4 - Who are the apostles?

Deuteronomy 14:7 - The amazing cud-chewing rabbit

Matthew 1:15-16, Luke 3:23-24 -Jesus' family tree(s).

Kings 20:28-30 - The wall that fell on and killed 27,000 soldiers

1 Kings 6:2, 5:13-16, 6:38, - Solomon’s Temple: 90ft long, 30ft wide, 45 ft high, yet it took 183,000 men 7 years to build it

Matthew 27:50-53 - Attack of the Biblical Zombies!

Genesis 1:1,7-8 - God creates the heavens twice

Genesis 1:3-5,14-18 - God creates light twice

Deuteronomy 13:6-10 - People who suggest that you worship other god(s) must also be put to death

Deuteronomy 13:12-15 - If any town is discovered where other god(s) are worshipped, all living things in that town must be eradicated, including the animals

Deuteronomy 17:2-7 - People within the community who have worshipped other god(s) must be put to death by stoning

Matthew 20:18-19, John 20:8-9 - In Matthew the disciples are warned that Jesus will rise from the grave, but in John they were surprised by his disappearance from the tomb

2 Kings 2:23-24 - Bald head (and the attack of the killer bears)!

Jeremiah 4:22 - “My people are stupid children”

Deuteronomy 22:20,21 - If she ain’t a virgin...

Numbers 31:17 - ....If she is

Mark 13:30 - How many 2000 year-old people do you know?

Genesis 3:4,5,22 - The serpent gives a true account of what eating the fruit will do, but God lies.

Leviticus 18:20-24 - Adultery and homosexuality are equal offences (TV preachers beware!)

Joshua 24:2-3,15 - Abraham was before the flood?

Numbers 1:45-47 - An absurdly precise tally of the troops of the Hebrew army - 603,550 men....

1 Kings 20:15 - .....But here there are only 7,000 Israelites!

2 Samuel 1:18 - Try and find this scripture in the Bible

Acts 7:58-8:1 - A passage to make you wonder where Paul may have been during the crucifixion

Mark 16:17-18 - The signs of a true Christian (don’t try these at home, kids!)

Matthew 27:24-25, Acts 7:51:53, Titus 1:10-14 1 Thessalonians 2:14-16 - Anti-semitic verses

Luke 21:27-28,32, 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17, 1st Epistle John 2:18, Revelation 22:7,12 - The end-times were about 2,000 years ago

Mark 2:23 - Jesus and his pals steal corn on the sabbath

Genesis 12:14-16 - Abraham pimps his wife

Acts 2:44-45 - Those commie Christians

2 Corinthians 11:8 - Paul admits he robbed churches

2 Samuel 5:8 - David says he will promote any man who will kill lame and blind people

Ezekiel 14:9 - The Lord sometimes deceives his own prophets

Luke 4:16-29, John 7: 1-5, John 6:64-67 - Jesus gets kicked out of the synagogue; his own men disbelieve him; his followers abandon him. Which is strange, because didn’t those miracles get him a huge following?

Galatians 3:13, 1 Peter 2:24, Acts 5:30, Acts 10:39 Acts 13:29 - People who think that Jesus died by crucifixion had better check these out.

[Tab.]

Plz, I really don't want to have to compile a collection of biblical and historical stuff with commentaries as to how dumb Christianity tends to be. It would be a novel.
Stick to hinduism, if your god is different, just assimilate! They're all reflections of the same infinite all-pervasive spirit anyway, so whateverthefuck.
Word & soma.

[Tab.]

Btw, something I DO very much wish science would just come to a conclusion on is whether matter creates consciousness (accepted theory) vs consciousness creates matter.

Apparently it doesn't


..oh wait, yes it does

[danielwang]

Listen. First off, Science proves the validity of the bible and it's teachings. If you need references, check out "The case for christ" a book written by a lawyer who put the Bible and christ on trial. very concise and definitive.

Second: it's wrong for the creator of this thread to attempt to put his face forward the way he did and attempt to force his beliefs on anyone else. A true believer in Christ would never force his opinions and beliefs on anyone, because they would recognize that everyone has their own path to walk.

So let's end this. this forum is innappropriate for this kind of discussion.

Well said, except for the first part, though.

Read: "The Skeptic's Bible" and several other works.
These come with handy annotations referncing:

Contradictions in the Work (the Text),
Scientifics facts supporting or supporting against the allegation
and references to other known history and documentation

In Science, we get to change our mind becaus we never make it up. Every scientist knows and agrees with this. We do not "Prove' things as fact, as with the Bible, we *support* theorems until it is "accepted as fact". Anything declared as fact in PLoS, PNAS, or Science will have plenty of data to back it up. Evidence. Warrant. Justification.

I agree that Christianity is a good philosophy, in it's message. What I don't believe in is fundamentalist Christians accepting every word in the text as a literal fact without checking the references. Even more so, extremest, insane Christians who blow up abortion centres and such.

Why do Christians believe in Christianity? The Bible is designed like the GPL, a virus.
It has a method of infection - it threatens you with Hell and promises eternal life if you believe it.
It has exploits a security flaw, the fact that children will believe their parents without verifying the information against other peers - even if they did, a large majority of the States is infected with Christianity.
It has a method of reproduction and spread - if you love you loved ones (by defition), you spread it to them.
It also has a payload. In this case, the part of that Jesus wrote has a great message (although delivered as "God's word", not his). It has some history. It also had a big list of do-s and do-nots.
THe payload also includes measures to prevent removal - "Do not doubt", "have faith" and "don't worship other idols" are just methods to prevent treatment of people infected with Christianity.

The Bible is just like the GPL. Infectios, hard to get rid of,
and possibly good - except for the way it works.

Why do we need a religious text threatening us with *alleged* "eternal damnation" to help make us altrustic, sensible and respectful?
I mean, part of the "Bible"'s payload includes messages such as "Don't eat red meat", believe by researchers to derive from food-borne illness, a method of infection control.

Sure, Jesus (author) managed to know a lot of things. He even timed a few floods - the one in Egypt (his hostile takeover) and the other, exaggerated one with Noah in it.

But why did he have to put his message this way? Because that's the way humans think. He was a very smart person and decided to create this religion, authoring his own infection system to spread it. He might as well have put some racist things in the text as well. Why didn't he? He wrote it beuase he was nice. And now, his work is being misinterpreted by people, thanks to a couple of bugs he didn't forsee. And that's the problem with it.

It's time to phase out the Bible, a deprecated, legacy, archaic method of getting people to be nice. Too many flaws. It's just that first, it's very difficult to remove, and two, nobody has bothered to replace it yet.

[Otohiko]

I think it's your turn to halt the go-enchancement project and go hack up the alpha build for bible 2004.1.1

[danielwang]

I think it's your turn to halt the go-enchancement project and go hack up the alpha build for bible 2004.1.1

Great idea, Otohiko!



Notice the name of this is: http://ouray.cudenver.edu/~d1wang/blade_forge.jpg
1. It's hosted on the server of a competing school
2. The name is "blade-forge.jpg"
3. I wonder why...