Metal Exposed!

[Bote]

> GRIND METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable
> for about 2 mintues and then leaves...
>
> POWER METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the
> dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest
>
> TRASH METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and
> f**ks her....... easy and quick
>
> HEAVY METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks
> some beers and f**ks the princess
>
> FOLK METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins,
> flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from
> all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess
>
> VIKING METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy
> axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the castle
> and burns the place before he leaves
>
> DEATH METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f**ks the princess and
> kills her, then leaves
>
> BLACK METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it
> in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her
> blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the
> deflowered princess
>
> GORE METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the
> front of the castle, f**ks the princess and kills her....then he f**ks
> again her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, f**ks
> the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f**ks it for the
> last time
>
> DOOM METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that
> he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the
> dragon eats his body and the princess as well
>
> PROGRESIVE METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes,
> the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist arrives to
> the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques
> learned in the last year of the conservatory... the princess escapes,
> and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist
>
> GLAM METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and
> lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the
> castle in a beautiful pink color
>
> INDUSTRIAL METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene
> gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by
> security guards.


I don't know wtf is glam metal.

[Kai Stromler]

FUCKING GOLD


glam metal

[ifihadaninja]

> GLAM METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and
> lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the
> castle in a beautiful pink color
>
I don't know wtf is glam metal.

to add to that.

The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance (because hes a 6 foot tall transvestite with hair you can get lost in)

[nailz]

Corrected for realism.

POWER METAL:

The protagonist, on a neverending quest to save his girlfriend, arrives riding a white unicorn, slays the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest while elves play a light melody.

PROGRESIVE METAL:

The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist delcares the dragon to have absolutely no musical knowladge or appreciation. The Protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory...the princess feigns understanding of the terribly difficult timechanges represetned in the music. The protagonist wants to have sex with her, throws on a Dream Theater cd. the princess escapes, and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist. The prog Protagonist then proceeds to write a song with lyrics including words no less than 5 sylables such as the following: "A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."

[Warheart]

This is the funniest thing I ever read. I was totally laughing my ass of whie reading that ... Altough there were some things that were totally generalized, but who cares ? And some kinds of metal were left out ...

Melodic Death Metal:

The protagonist arrives trough a strange looking wormhole of antimatter, sees the dragon thinks he´s to ignorant to understand his own exsistance, confronts the dragon with the reality of his own essence, the dragon dies cause he doesn´t understand. Then he takes the princess f**cks her and leaves through another wormhole leading into the center of the universe of another dimenson trying to figure out how the first piece of matter was created.

Gothic Metal:

The protagonist arrives, then notices that he´s actually a woman (cause band´s with women sell more records), then tries to kill the dragon with her theatrical voice, the dragon flies off due to the terrifing sound. Then she takes away the princess but since the princess is no lesbian she get´s bored and leaves.

Don´t take it to serious ...

[TheKorovaMilkbar]

Priceless

Brownie points for bote.

[CerebralAssamite]

> GORE METAL:
>
> The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the
> front of the castle, f**ks the princess and kills her....then he f**ks
> again her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, f**ks
> the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f**ks it for the
> last time

*Falls of chair laughing* this is the best thing I have ever read, its so true, and the above definition is so accurate I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

[Kai Stromler]

Melodic Death Metal:

Let's fix this shall we.....

MELODIC DEATH METAL:

The protagonist arrives and shouts a bunch of random stuff that might not have made sense even before it was translated from Swedish into English, then plays a guitar solo stolen from 1984 while Iron Maiden and Van halen weren't looking. The dragon is stomped to death by twenty-three black-shirted hardcore kids running in circles and kung-fu-kicking. The protagonist and the princess go off and pour gargantuan quantities of Carlsberg down their throats; they might fuck, but nobody is sober enough to remember anything.

GOTHIC METAL (OLD SCHOOL):

The protagonist arrives and smokes a bowl with the dragon. After that, he suggests they doubleteam the princess. Halfway through, an emaciated, sleazy, heroin-addict version of Jesus shows up, and they all have a sullen yet erotic bisexual S&M four-way.

BLACK METAL (OLD SCHOOL):

The protagonist arrives and asks the dragon if he wants to go burn down some churches. They go burning, and while the dragon is distracted, he stabs it in the back of the head 26 times. Some other scenesters come by and they go out to kick over gravestones, forgetting all about the princess.


Getting more specific:

MANOWAR:

On a Night Of Black Thunder, the Metal King arrives on his Iron Steed of Black Wind, Fire, and Steel. He Plays Some Random Notes Of Extreme Metalness Really Fast on his Mighty Metal Guitar, Setting Fire to a Tower Of Gigantic True Metal Speakers the Size of Brazil, then Slays the Dragon with his Invincible Sword and Hammer of Unstoppable Metal Power That Are Totally Not Phallic Symbols Or Compensating For Anything. He Enthralls the Princess with his Mighty Rod of Manhood and Bears Her Off for Much Fucking, because he is Totally Not Gay Or Anything.

MANOWAR-INFLUENCED METAL:

The protagonist arrives. The dragon takes one look at his ill-fitting homemade studded leather vest and dies laughing. He then puts on his wizard hat and rolls a d20 to see if he can cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyonding on the princess. The princess throws a chair at him and declares that she'd rather bang the prog metal guy.

TANKARD:

The protagonist shows up drunk and ask the dragon for beer money. When the dragon says no, he headbutts it to death and goes on a rampage through the castle. He fucks the princess, then raids the castle fridge, drinks all the beer, and throws the fridge out the window.

ICED EARTH:

A Civil War reenactor arrives and asks the dragon if it wants to play drums in his band. The dragon says yes, and then the reenactor tells it that it won't be playing anything on the record, and that it'll have to commit to two years of more or less random touring that will leave no time for princess abduction or any of its other day jobs. The dragon says no to that, so the reenactor throws a hissy fit and stabs it to death with a musket. He then drinks all the beer in the castle and starts screaming that one of his lackeys will have prune juice.

METALLICA:

A midget with a receding hairline arrives and claims that the dragon owes him money for downloading his songs online. The dragon breathes fire on him, and the princess complains for three hours about back when that band had some integrity.

DEICIDE:

A midget clad in armor made from hockey pads arrives and challenges the dragon to a fight. The dragon accepts, and then the surprisingly strong midget defeats it by pinning its head against the radiator. He tries to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyonding on the princess, but she throws a Jack Daniels bottle in the other direction and escapes.

--K

[Warheart]

Melodic Death Metal:

Let's fix this shall we.....

MELODIC DEATH METAL:

The protagonist arrives and shouts a bunch of random stuff that might not have made sense even before it was translated from Swedish into English, then plays a guitar solo stolen from 1984 while Iron Maiden and Van halen weren't looking. The dragon is stomped to death by twenty-three black-shirted hardcore kids running in circles and kung-fu-kicking. The protagonist and the princess go off and pour gargantuan quantities of Carlsberg down their throats; they might fuck, but nobody is sober enough to remember anything.

Okies, my version was more for DT but for the typical mainstream melodeath. Whats so bad about getting drunk on beer ?

The other bandspecific interpretantions are quite suitable ...

[nailz]

ICED EARTH:

A Civil War reenactor arrives and asks the dragon if it wants to play drums in his band. The dragon says yes, and then the reenactor tells it that it won't be playing anything on the record, and that it'll have to commit to two years of more or less random touring that will leave no time for princess abduction or any of its other day jobs. The dragon says no to that, so the reenactor throws a hissy fit and stabs it to death with a musket. He then drinks all the beer in the castle and starts screaming that one of his lackeys will have prune juice.

Words can absolutely not express how much I love you for the prune juice reference.