Post
by El Diablo Rojo » Wed Jun 02, 2004 8:14 pm
Don't read this.
Since everyone's posting old school assignments, or at least one person was, I figured might as well jump on the bandwagon before it became unpopular. This was a story I wrote for English class this last year, I know know you don't care, but whatever. If you bother to read this (which I don't suggest you do, I'm just posting it for the sake of posting something and I'm really bored) you will be reading one of the most ill-conceived and pointlessly stupid stories you've ever read. It is a load of crap. The title I gave this story was Ten Pages of Crap. It was actually a little over eleven pages, but I don't feel like explaining the title. You're probably already pissed off enough and I dont need to add to it. I am eternally sorry for posting this. Oh and there are probably some spelling and grammar mistakes. I didn't feel like fixing all of them.
Plan on being offended if you read this story. I don't know why you would be offended by it, but in the event that you are, I warned you. Also note that any views expressed in this story or any stupidity in it are mine alone and not that of anyone else. So get mad at me. I think the only thing you have to be angry about is that I am wasting your time. Sorry.
Well. Without out any further introduction and/or mindless babbling, I give you....
Ten Pages of Crap
“If I knew where she was,” said the man tied to the chair, “don’t you think I would have gone and found her myself. I mean, you look like reasonably intelligent men. If you were in my shoes…well…you know what you’d do.”
The man tied to the chair was Taisho Hari. It had been three years since the incident with Gung Fu Nao, and, until the day before, Tai’s life had been fairly ordered and not so random as it had been around the time of that incident. However, that all changed the day before when Mei Lin stole something very valuable from some very bad men. In the three years Tai had fallen mostly in love with Mei Lin, but she seemed to always be after someone stronger or younger or better looking. Tai was always wondering if he should confess his feelings to her: if she would laugh at him or reciprocate his feelings he could not tell, so up to this point he had not confessed his love for her.
While his thoughts of Mei Lin were almost always on his mind, right now he didn’t have time to think about that. Getting back on the topic at hand, Mei Lin had stolen a very valuable and very old samurai sword. The sword had a magnificent jewel built into the end of the hilt and was fabled to have great mystical powers and was supposed to be indestructible. While that was most likely not true, it was supposed to be a very fine sword and was also most likely very durable. Its no wonder that the people Mei Lin stole it from wanted it back.
Tai had been about to go searching for Mei Lin when a group of six men ambushed him and tied him to a chair. The men apparently knew that Tai had some kind of connection with Mei Lin and had been asking him questions for a little while now and he had been answering them as best he could, but he honestly did not know where Mei Lin was. All right. Now you’re caught up.
“Don’t give us that bull about you not knowing where she is,” said one of the men pulling out a long sword. “You wouldn’t want this to get violent now would you?”
“Of course I don’t want this to get violent, but as I already told you, I have no idea where she is,” said Tai staring to sweat nervously. “Please you must believe me, if I knew anything I would help you resolve this quickly.” Of coarse he was lying, but he hoped it would buy him some time.
“Enough out of you,” said the man and he pulled his sword back as if he was going to attack Tai.
“That’s enough,” said one of the men who had been standing in the back. “Put your sword away Quence. The boy apparently doesn’t know anything.”
“Oh, come on, Kyo,” pleaded Quence. “Let me just cut him a little.”
“No,” said Kyo firmly. “We are going. Cut him loose and let’s get out of here.” He then turned his attention to Tai, “Taisho Hari. I apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you.”
“Uh, don’t worry about it,” said Tai in a confused tone. Quence gave Tai a mean look as he cut the ropes that held Tai to the chair.
“Even though I am sorry,” continued Kyo. “If we ever meat again, I shall have to kill you.” And with that he turned around and left and the other men followed him out. Quence gave one last disgusted look over to Tai and then Tai was alone.
“Man this sucks,” said Tai out loud to himself. “Nothing ever makes any sense.” Tai sat in the chair for a few minutes. “Well I guess I better go find my sword and start remembering how to use it.” Since Tai had been ambushed at his own house and that’s where he had been tied to a chair, he started to look for his sword.
Tai was well learned in many forms of swordsmanship, but his favorites by far were Asian forms of swordsmanship, particularly Japanese swords. His favorite was the daikatana, which was what he was looking for right now. He was probably better with a normal katana but he really liked the daikatana so he used it anyway. It took him about five minutes to find his sword, which he had affectionately called “Sword of the thousandth Red Fanged Dragon that has Fire flowing from both blade and hilt, but not actual fire, just figurative fire, and also the Demon Slayer sword of Justice through injustice”. This was a really long name so Tai just called his sword “Bob”.
“Well, I guess I better go find Mei Lin,” said Tai to himself as he walked toward the door.
In another second Tai was out the door. He stepped out into the sunlight and looked around to see if there was anyone there. He saw no one except one random guy who looked as if he was frozen in place halfway between standing and crouching. Tai walked over to the guy because he was curious as to what the man was doing.
“Excuse me sir,” said Tai in a polite tone. “What are you doing?”
There was no answer.
“Sir,” began Tai again. “Are you all right?”
Again there was no answer.
“Hey!” Tai was beginning to get frustrated. “I asked you a question,” and with that Tai poked the man in the shoulder.
“Agghhh!” screamed the man as he began to fall. The man fell and hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. (Now in actuality it wasn’t a million pieces. It was some number that I doubt anyone actually knows or ever could know. It probably wasn’t even that close to a million. It was probably something like sixty-six thousand three hundred thirty-two. Even with all that said, We are going to call it a million pieces for the sake of simplicity.)
Tai looked down at the guy and just stared in disgust. Then he looked up, laughed, and started walking down the road. He hadn’t gone far when all of the sudden, he came upon three very ugly people. He tried to walk by without looking at them, but he couldn’t help it. They were so ugly that Tai’s eyes were forced to look at them. Now Tai wasn’t the most handsome guy ever, but he did not look nearly this bad. One of the ugly people saw Tai looking at them.
“What are you looking at, pretty boy?” asked the ugliest guy in the group. Oh, the three ugly people were made up of two guys and what looked like a girl, but she was so ugly that it was hard to tell.
“Nothing I like looking at,” replied Tai in a mean tone of voice.
“Oh yeah, I’ll teach you to talk to me like that,” said the man producing a small knife from some concealed place.
Tai just looked at the ugly guy and sort of chuckled to himself. “Come on, guy,” said Tai trying not to laugh too much. “I mean, don’t you see the huge sword strapped to my back. If you had any brains you would just shut up and not fight me.”
“Its not the size of the boat; it’s the motion in the ocean,” replied the man, determined not to be frightened by Tai.
“Not when its that small,” said Tai.
“Size doesn’t matter: it’s how you use what you have.”
Tai paused for a moment. “All right. What are we talking about here?” said Tai in a way that was as if he understood what they were talking about, but also understood how it could be construed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said the ugly man as if he didn’t know what was going on. “I’m talking about fingernails.”
“What?” now Tai was actually confused.
“Yeah,” said the man. “Don’t you get it?”
“If I understood, do you think I would have asked you what you were talking about?”
“Yeah, There are three.”
“What the frick are you talking about?” Tai was starting to get angry.
“I’m sure if you were ugly, you’d be pissed too,” said the man, apparently having a conversation with himself.
“All right,” said Tai. “I Don’t really even know what’s going on anymore. And why haven’t the other two uglies not said anything this entire time.
“We’re mute,” said the other two ugly people in unison.
Tai had a puzzled look on his face.
“…and if I ever see another two-piece swimming suit again,” the first ugly man had not stopped talking and was still making no sense. “ I swear I’ll eat the food right off the ground it’s so clean.”
“That’s it,” said Tai pulling out his sword. “I’ve had just about enough of you.”
“One last thing,” said the man.
“What?” asked Tai disgusted like.
“You know I’m not actually this ugly,” said the man as he pulled of a mask. He was now uglier than anything that was bearable to look at. In fact, he was so ugly that Tai’s Eyes shriveled up and died. Seriously. This guy was so ugly that Tai was now blind.
Tai was screaming like a little girl because all of his fighting styles revolved around him being able to see. He swung his sword violently and felt it go through something, which he guessed to be the ugly people because he heard the main ugly guy scream and some grunting noises from the mute people.
Tai stood still for a few minutes trying to decide what to do. He knew there was only one solution to his dilemma: He must go and seek out the Eye Fairy.
Now the Eye Fairy lived in a town fifty-five miles away from where Tai currently was located. Well, it was at least somewhat close to fifty-five miles. I mean, there’s no way to know exactly without going and measuring. Plus it was fifty-five miles (or about fifty-five miles) to Eye Fairy’s from Tai’s house and Tai wasn’t at his house exactly. But anyway, Tai needed to get to the Eye Fairy one way or another.
So, Tai started walking. He went the wrong way however, because he ended up walking straight into the side of his house. He turned around and started walking back in the other direction.
Tai walked for hours. He had no idea what time it was or how close to his destination he was. After walking for a little while longer, he passed out from exhaustion.
* * *
Tai awoke to an interesting sight. Tai could see. He jumped up from the bed that he was laying on. H e could see, but he could see better than he had ever seen before. Everything was so clear and it was almost like he could see farther. He could only guess that he had somehow been brought to the Eye Fairy’s and that the Eye Fairy had given him new eyes.
Tai heard a noise and turned his attention to see the Eye Fairy coming into the room where Tai was. There was something odd about the Eye Fairy- he had no eyes. He just had two holes where eyes would normally be, which was how Tai’s eyes had been.
“Hello,” said Tai tenatively.
“Oh. You’re awake,” said the Eye Fairy, who happened to be fairly old. “I’m sorry if I disturbed you.”
“No, I was already awake,” said Tai.
“That’s good,” replied the old man.
“Are you all right?” asked Tai.
“I’m fine.”
“What happened?”
“ Oh, nothing important, I just…” but he was cut off by large dagger that was suddenly in his neck.
“Frick!” said Tai as he instinctively lowered himself and reached for his sword, but it was gone. “Crap! Where’s Bob.”
Tai didn’t know what to do. He looked around and spotted something on a nearby table. It was a sword but it wasn’t Bob. It was a normal katana, but for some reason it looked familiar to Tai. Then it clicked in Tai’s mind. This was Tai’s old sword the “Sword of Satan’s bane and of judgment on those weaker than oneself for the atrocious wrongs of sucking at life and also the sword that breaths hell’s fire from deep places in the earth that burns with the rage of the sun and/or a mad crazy bull”. Tai had called this sword Jorge. Tai of course was curious as to how his old sword got where it was, but at he present moment he needed to fight, and also, he knew that he probably would never know. With the way things usually went, it would probably make no sense even if it did get explained to him. So it was just as good that it didn’t get explained.
Tai made a dash for the front door. He stepped into the sunlight to find himself confronted with five of the men he had been attacked by earlier in the story. All of them except for Kyo were there.
“Come with us,” said the man standing in front of everyone. It was Quence.
“Why, certainly,” said Tai in a somewhat jovial manner.
“I will not be tricked into fighting you here,” replied Quence.
“All right. Don’t start this crap with me,” said Tai getting pissed off quickly.
“Just come quietly,” said Quence.
“No,” said Tai
“Finally you agree,” said Quence in a tone that showed his relief. “I was beginning to think it was going to get violent.
“I frickin’ hate myself,” said Tai under his breath.
Tai was escorted to a big warehouse about half a mile away. No one bothered to take his sword, which he had stuck in his belt away. When they got to the warehouse and were inside, they all stood waiting for something. Then out walked a man who was wearing a kimono and also wearing a sword very similar to Tai’s. With him were Kyo who now also was wearing a sword by his side and Mei Lin who was in chains next to him.
“Mei Lin!” yelled Tai. “Are you okay.”
“Tai!” cried Mei Lin, “Is that you.”
“Yes!” Tai now noticed that Mei Lin was blindfolded. “I’m going to get you out of here.”
“Please hurry,” said Mei Lin.
“Quiet,” said the man in the kimono and he kicked Mei Lin in the head.
“I’ll kill you!” screamed Tai. He put his hand on his sword and was about to run up to where the cross-dressing man was, but Quence and the other four hooligans blocked his way.
“Calm down Taisho Hari,” said the man. “Oh, I almost forgot. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Satan. Or at least that’s what everyone calls me and I forgot my real name.”
“I’m going to kill you, Satan,” said Tai frankly.
“We’ll see about that,” said Satan. “You know, we could have been friends, you and I.”
“Bite me,” said Tai whose blood was boiling now and he was ready to fight.
“Hmph,” replied Satan. “Well, get him.”
Quence and the four hooligans, as we are going to call them, were more than happy to have permission to fight. They circled around Tai.
“Finally some action,” said some random guy who happened to be walking through the warehouse.
Tai pulled out his sword and got ready. He decided that he wanted to kill Quence last. One of the other guys charged Tai but he didn’t stand a chance. Tai cut him into seven pieces very fast. This frightened one of the other guys, so he just killed himself. Tai barely could stop from laughing. He had hardly started and he already had people killing themselves.
Tai then killed Quence because Quence had tried to sneak up on Tai while he was almost laughing at the guy who committed suicide. Oh well. I guess you can’t always have what you want. Tai made quick work of the other two guys.
“Very good,” said Satan. “Kyo, kill this guy,” and Satan pointed over to the random guy from earlier.
“Yes,” said Kyo and he ran over and sliced the guys head off, Kill Bill style.
“All right now I want you to kill Taisho Hari,”
“Yes,” and Kyo went over to Tai.
“You know, Tai,” said Kyo. “I’m the one who took you to the Eye Fairy. I forced him to give you his eyes because I knew they were they best eyes in all the land. I found your sword because I knew you were better with a regular katana than with anything else. I wanted you at your absolute best for this fight.”
“Whatever you say,” said Tai.
“Well let’s go,” said Kyo and he rushed towards Tai.
Tai pulled out his sword and killed Kyo very quickly. I mean, it wasn’t even a fair fight.
Tai looked up to where Satan had been but saw that Satan was dead and that Mei Lin was standing over the body with the precious sword in her hand.
Tai didn’t even care about the sword; he just wanted to go to Mei Lin. He began running towards her and she towards him. Just as they were about to reach each other Mei Lin ran past Tai and into the arms of a random big strong man who just happened to be there.
“Oh, I was so worried,” she said to the man. “But I’m glad that you were here to save me,” and with that, she and the guy walked out of the warehouse and Tai never saw her again.
Tai looked around the warehouse in silence.
“Screw that,” said Tai. He saw his other sword Bob propped up against the wall and he took it. So with Bob and Jorge in hand, Tai walked out the door and started the long journey home.
The End
Sorry for wasting your time if you read that piece of crap. If you didn't read it then good job. You listened. In the unlikely event that you actually some what enjoyed that little story, know this. This story is part two to a two part series I wrote over my high school days. I will post the other one upon request, but thats the only way you get it. You have to ask nicely too.
Now on a different note, I think this would make an interesting anime. I hope Ididn't piss anyone off, at least not too much. I'm so lonely.
I hate myself
I am sofa king we todd did.
