JOURNAL: Suberu14 (Samantha )

  • An entry Since Vampirefreaks is down 2006-03-06 15:15:52 Yes, I am pretty much making this entry as I am still at school and the stupid school blocked Vampirefreaks(Though we all knew it would happen with time) Anyway this is like a note to self thing for my vampirefreaks account, which btw is Suberu14 as well. (No I am not 14) This will be posted later on my Vampire freaks journal called "Suffer Like Me"



    Today started out semi normal, I had to drag my ass out of bed. I wanted to stay home from school and lied there considering it for around ten minutes. However this plan did not go so well since my dad threatened to ground me for two weeks and with my boyfriend's birthday being tommorow---Well that wouldn't work out to well now would it? So the day moved on, Slowly, As everyone was depressed at school today over the loss of our teacher Mrs. Winborn and even though I had only known her for about....Mmm....4 months, She was a really nice lady and I will most likly go to the funeral tonight. I feel pain for one of my best friends Carrie and Mrs. Winborn's son Dave as they were very close to her and I understand the pain of loosing someone---I want to be there with them, Even if that requirs me to go to a church *hisses loudly at church* Anyway I had to go driving in Drivers Ed today and when I came back I was nervous and a bit freaked as i've gotten into many car accidents when I was a child so I hate driving and cars in general. This fear in turn made me angry at myself, At least that's why I think that i almost flipped out in Self Defence class when we were hitting punching bags. I could feel my body tempature rising and I couldn't even figure out why I was getting so angry so quickly, Which just made me even more pissed until I was hitting the punching bags with so much streangth I could push my boyfriend back a little who was my partner. I feel a little bit bad now though because he kept asking me what was wrong and it started out as an annoyance for some reason but then it progressed into really making me mad and I yelled at him and flashed him an "I'll kill you" Look.....Damn these violent tendencys. *sigh* I don't know, I think i'm just stressed, though that doesn't really excuse my behavior. I started the day depressed and it has gradually become pissed as well, though most people wouldn't know besides that sudden outburst---No one ever knows. I can change the way my emotions play on the outside in the blink of an eye. I wrote a new poem on my allpoetry account (suberu14) about my stepdad again, Though I think it's pretty decent. There's a few things stuck in my head today....One is the words "And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, That the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had" And that's really true alot of the time....And then the song "I want my life" by Smile Empty Soul. I'll post the lyrics on my Vampire Freaks account when I transfer this later, But the main part that is stuck in my head is the beggining part which is:

    I try----
    To be the man I am
    In times of broken lives
    And shattered dreams and plans
    Staring at the knife
    And holding in your hand
    What used to be your life---
    This world is crazy, Crazy---
    I want my life 
  • I've Never Felt So Unloved..... 2005-09-01 11:24:23 I don't see why I was so excited for my birthday, no one even gave a d***......Well it was alright at school, I suppose my birthday was good up until the point that I got home...It started with my dad worked from home yesterday, making it so I couldn't talk to my friends on my birthday. he said he was to tired to go in today because he stayed up until midnight talking to his girlfriend. But I had a new game and he promised I could talk to them at 5....So i went upstairs and didn't say a word about it...At 5 I went down to see if I could go on the computer and he told me to shut up and go away, I could hear him talking to his stupid girlfriend on the phone again....T_T So then we were supposed to go to my favorite resturant at 6 but we were late and got there at 8 instead, though that didn't really bother me. He wanted to listen to his music in the car and every year for as long as i can remember, he's always always on our bdays let us put a cd in....So then he kept yelling at me and my brother for talking while we were waiting for our food and he said he had a headace and everything.....It was so stupid...Then he promised when I got home I could talk to my friends and stay up till 11 talking to them.(yay happy again) Well that never happened, Dad said he wanted to talk to his girlfriend IN THAT ROOM OF ALL PLACES. And it made me really mad, especcially because when i'm down there I ussually tal kto him and hang out with him too, which hardly ever happens.....So we were in the car and i was like, "You just want to talk to your stupid girlfriend! You talk to her every night but this is my night! Or at least it's supposed to be! You're never like this when it's kyles birthday..What did you do on kyles birthday? you played xbox with him all night and did everything he wanted....But on my birthday...on my birthday all you want to do is talk to your girlfriend! You talk to her every night why can't you hang out with me for once??? Why can't you be nice to me on my birthday?! Why can't you call her after i go to bed!?" And I started crying and he started yelling at me for crying and saying all this stupid shit about grounding me if i didn't stop crying...It was a mess...I was so upset that I made myself sick, even threw up which my dad yelled at me for that too and said I did it on purpose because I was mad at him. *Rolls eyes*...So then earlier today I went on the c omputer, checking my email, my aim messages, everything for a message from any one of my friends...But i guess the only one who cares really is my best friend jamie...It kinda hurt though cause I buy all the ones i expected presents on gaiaonline and everything and spend alot of gold doing so...and then i tell them happy brithday and everything but no one cares if it's my brithday...i didnt even go to school today im so depressed... 
  • A New Start 2005-08-30 14:52:18 I've never tried this journal thing but maybe I will, why not ya know? Anyway my name is Samantha or Suberu14. Tommorow is my brithday! I'm so happy! I'll be 16 tommorow. Oooh I have good news and bad news! I was listening to one of my favorite songs by Blindside, Ask Me Now, anyway I had the PERFECT video idea!!! But.....I put the song into movie maker and I guess I have a bad copy of the song because the song is slower then it is supposed to be...I'm accully thinking about walking to the mall(miles away) Buying the cd and walking home, JUST SO I CAN MAKE THE VID! The Video idea is that cool! T_T I want to make it so bad! If anyone is reading this and has that song or can get it, please IM me on aim at Suberu14 I really need the song and if you obtain it for me i'll gve you credit for helping me get the song. ^.^'' Anyway school was alright, I got into an argument with someone though. There's this really cute boy at school I wouldn't mind being friends with but he's so....i don't know he doesn't even ever smile.....But I wanted to know more about him. I know he listens to music but hes such a mystery, he even wears the shirts of the bands he hates to trick people into thinking he likes them. All I know about the guy is he is 16, likes DBZ, and that he is bi. Sad, No? Anyway so I started talking to him about some animes and music and asked him what he liked and he wouldn't tell me. He said that he doesn't like people knowing anything about him...I don't really understand why.....I asked him why and he said not everything had to have a reason. He used to talk more last school year and even laughed sometimes...I wonder if something happened over the summer, not that he would tell me.. 
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