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... >_<
2002-07-31 16:55:23
reached the lowest point of depression and lonliness today. you know that limbo you get between suicide and crying? when you just look around and realize the shitpile that is your life? when you realize that if you disappeared right now it would be days til someone knew what happened to you. but i know atleast one person... would notice in a few hours. and i know that i would never want to hurt him that way. so i just cried. such a baby...
the only reason i'm here writing in this stupid journal that no one ever reads and talking shit whining about everything and anything is because i just got back from sitting outside reading a book about the end of the world and getting ogled by dirty old men until i couldn't take their nastly little stares any longer. secluded myself back indoors away from the sun, the breeze, th fresh air i miss so much. thought about going... somewhere. anywhere. need to get away.
remembered i don't have a car. not enough money to ride the bus either. well, not if i'm going to pay rent. and well, walking is a risk considering all the freaks and stalkers that just saw me in a bikini and keep showing up at my workplace. i don't need them knowing where i live too. : / so i just layed her.. finished the book in complete silence. good read, James Morrow. yeah.. tried to force myself to read something else. but the words kept blurring together. the pages became stale and heavy. i couldn't process simple sentances and plot devices. no more reading. maybe i'll watch a movie. play a game...
oh wait, shithead took his VCR back yesterday. he doesn't need it but you know how break ups are. it's mine, i's mine give it back. so the ps2 just sits there collecting dust. can't let mundane images dance across my vision now. guess i should get up and actually DO something. maybe i should eat. feels like ages since i did that.
opened the freezer, the fridge.. stared into a bleak pantry and thought "now what?" conceeded that i was too worn down to defrost or stand over a stove. ate some bread and butter. sat back down. staed at the wall for a good half hour. great wall. nice and white. mmmmhmmmm considered using rent money to take the bus. slapped the thought away before i screwed myself out of housing. stared at the computer.
finally turned it on again. didn't want to be reminded who wasn't going to be there. but there's his lovely smiling face. his eyes. all looking straight through me. all laughing at me. opened a window to cover up the memories. opened winamp to kill the silence. ahhhh peace... perhaps music soothes the beast after all. bruce dickenson sings "tears of a dragon" and i miss him more. minimize the window and stare at the eyes again. cry. stare. cry. realize i'm being a big baby.
close the window. open paint. stare at the blank white canvas. stare at my sketchbook. paint. blank pages. it seems my imagination has also left me. close paint. throw the sketchbook under my desk in a fit of anger. "fuck it."
open premiere. close it before i even open my project. no way can i work on a video right now. no way in hell. open aol. curse the chipper "welcome!" and check my email. nothing. of course. check the mindless forums and various posts. laugh. don't feel like replying. open amv.org...
and well... here we are. feels like a week has passed, but it's only been days... hours. i'm going to make another attempt to cook again and then see which anime movies i have on dvd. atleast i can watch something on here. assuming my cheap computer (which has been coughing up a lung for the past month) doesn't die on me. keeping my fingers crossed. missing the one person i need in life. wishing i could just be in his arms right now and no where else. trying to refocus my mind.
treeprincess... signing off.
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my weekly journal entry.. he he...
2002-06-18 19:53:41
Let's just consider this one an update:
1. i have been working 40 hours a week...
2. i may be getting a promotion to work in security by the end of the week
3. I started taking Jujitsu last week and am sooooooore as hell.
4. i spend as much time (if not more) on the computer now as i do working. and i still haven't updated my site or anything otaku-ish. he he
5. i love id and he's taking up all my otaku time. aaaaand.. i don't care ^-^
6. oh yeah... bought a DDR dance pad and a NES (yeah the original) and haven't used either one of them yet. they keep giving me these sad little abused faces though. making me feel so gulity. poor ps2.. *huuug* i still need you... and Mario... i need you too. ^-^
7. yeah so i took about 150 pics at A-Kon.. (weeeeeks ago) and am still getting around to posting them.
8. maybe i'll do that tomorrow.
9. then i'll figure out why i numbered this list.
10. then i'll probably crawl away in shame form my goofy typing habits.
11. then the food. yeah.. i should eat. -
in places no one could find... all your feelings locked deep inside
2002-06-08 01:37:34
yeah... don't listen to songs called "cry" when you're trying not to.
so how do i say i'm sorry enough? how am i supposed to feel? how do you ask forgivness from the one person you never want to hurt? when i screw up and i can't see straight, the veil covering my eyes doesn't help, why can't i see you? i'm reaching, reaching in my dreams but when i finally touch... that hollow voice is all that responds. so cold and full of hate and anger. you say you're not mad at me but i'm the one hearing it.. i'm the one getting all the blame... the guilt. you know i didn't try to hurt you. you know i spent all day just looking forward to your call.
you know...
you know...
i love you.
and that's my only defense... i just love you. and you can't just tell me not to cry, because sometimes there are things i cannot control... i cannot stop. i just want you to be happy... i just want you to smile. why can't i do something that once came so easily? why can't i make your everything... alright?
all i can do...
is love you. -
how i wish you were here... we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl.. year after year...running over the same old ground... but have we found the same old fears... wish yoiu were here...
2002-05-30 04:22:27
know what it's like to reach out into the darkness for someone to hold on to? to feel your hand touch nothing... hear no sounds of life... just dead night air... to find that you have waken from the sweetest dream, to a cold unfeeling room? all alone...
closing your eyes in despair trying to recapture an image, a feeling, something from the hours before... but they have all left you. wrapped away back into your subconcious for later nocturnal release.
these are the dreams that tease you... taunt you... haunt you. the reoccuring pleasantries that seem at times like cruel nightmares. showing you a better way.. a happier life... the masked shadows that offer release... if only you could see deep enough into them to focus your eyes...
don;t ever stop peering into the darkness. keep reaching for your dreams. just keep reaching. pull them to you.
dreams come true... if you keep believing in them. -
so this whore, this greek god and this amv creator walk into a bar... only two leave...
2002-05-29 23:52:34
yeah... so i would hvae killed hannah by now. anyone else? anyone? he he.. okay, i guess that's mean but i would have atleast severly crippled her. >-< mean again...
well, just a word of advice to you other nice good-looking guys out there. date a girl with half a brain. and if she ever says "i know i love you because you're the only guy i haven't cheated on." she will cheat on you. liars lie. cheaters cheat. and stupid girls walk around humming Garbage thinking the lyrics apply to someoone else.
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enough bitching.. i'm headed out to akon at 8am this thursday. hope to see a few good friends there and hide from carlos' camera... he he... happy early birthday! Here's hoping you meet a nice girl who likes your amvs and won't cheat on you with backstabbing assholes! ^-^ best wishes. see you there... and remember.. party party party!!!
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to my love, my eden... my id... i am going to miss you like hell while i'm away but i will be armed with cameras galore and a good digicam that takes 244 pics. ^-^ so you'll get sick of the con photos, i guarantee... -_^ any how.. i found another song to add to our "playlist". i love you baby. with all my heart and soul. i'll be with you in my dreams until we can share each other's arms... now.. on to the music:
"Just the Same" - Terri Clark
You could've walked along a back road
Or on a lonely stretch of beach
You could have sat there on a park bench
A Sunday paper at your feet
If you'd been waiting for a taxi
Or at a bus stop in the rain
I would've found you,
I would've found you
Just the same
You know you could've been a gambler
Whose luck was running low
Or just another drifter
Without a single place to go
You could have been a broken dreamer
Without a penny to your name
I would've loved you,
I would have loved you
Just the same
No it really didn't matter
Who you'd been or what you’d done
Where we met or when it happened
You'd still be the one
There's no way to know the future
But one thing will never change
I'm gonna love you,
I'm gonna love you
Just the same
I’m gonna love you,
I'm gonna love you
Just the same
JOURNAL: treeprincess (Sarah Ashworth)
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