JOURNAL: treeprincess (Sarah Ashworth)

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  • it's just emotions taking me over.../it's just a song i can't believe i know... 2002-03-22 02:26:14 frank read my journal today before i could talk to him. of all the lousy days he picks to actually get interested in my life it had to be today! so he showed up after work looking all forlorn and on the brink of a mental breakdown.

    ***if anyone is actually reading this dribble day to day, i AM NOT as manic depressive as i sound... i'm worse. lol***

    so back to what happened: frank showed up with puppy dog eyes in tow and a "love letter" he had written me. more of an "i'm sorry i screwed up, please don't leave me" letter. So i read it, i hugged him and i caved in. I mean, c'mon, some guy you've been with for almost four years tells you he's fallen in love with you all over again and wants to marry you. what do you say? huh? huh?

    well i did tell him that i don't want to become dependant on him and vice versa and i think he understands why i wanted some time apart from him. And i'm glad to see he didn't jump straight to the "let's blame this all on the *other guy* routine" because that would not have helped any. So i am going to try and work things out, i guess i have to admit that though there is such a huge "independance" streak coursing through me, it's nice to have some one to hold onto. Even bungee jumpers tie one end down, ne?

    *sigh* i must be driving him crazy, but atleast we're kinda even now from his early college episode of "what if i meet someone in Austin while you're at A&M?" I guess it helps to throw a little craziness into the mix every now and then. ^o^

    To my bestfriend (you know who you are): frank says thank you for beating some sense into him. 
  • you tell me to dive when i can't even swim, you better be there to catch me if i sink again 2002-03-21 14:52:53 well i have made on hell of a decision today. and when i tell frank about it i dunno how he's going to react. You see, my problem all along is that I've been asking HIM for advice about our relationship. not the most "objective" view there is, ne?

    so today at work, whilst earning my paycheck -_^, i talked everything over with a good friend i have there. and she gave me the advice i had needed. she told me to take my chances in life or i'll regret them when they are gone. She's right. If i pass up the opportunity that is staring me straight in the face, how can i face myself five years from now? Do i seriously believe I'll NEVER look back and NEVER wonder "what if"? Not me, I'd prolly just dwell on it forever until i finally went insane. So since straight jackets make my hips look big (-_^) I'm opting for my sanity and a chance at my happiness.

    I'm going to cut the cord for a while and see just how well we can do on our own. I think he and I need some time to work out or own problems. right now we're just leaning on each other for support. But when you have two faulty towers supporting one another, the entire structure will collapse. (forgive the engineering reference, that's what school does to people. lol) But i feel great, i feel free, and for once in a long time, i feel like ME again. 
  • never mix Insomnia and Photoshop... 2002-03-20 04:56:31 I just made an AMV banner with our new logo. seems like no one's attemted it yet so i tried. i had to butcher the poor thing to make it fit a 468x60 frame, but here's what i got:

    http://members.hometown.aol.com/deadaerith/images/boogiepop_banner.jpg

    *eh* i need to stop watching boogiepop and go to sleep. 
  • love is a funny thing, like when you trip and fall on your face... 2002-03-20 03:26:26 i talked with frank for several hours tonight. something we hadn't done since highschool and learned a valuable lesson. yeah i've lived on this planet for 21 years and i'm still growing up. ^o^

    i finally realized today what true love is. It's unconditional, in the end that's all it is. Completely honest, open and forgiving.

    you see, i showed my boyfriend, Frank, something that a dear friend had written that touched my heart (you know who you are -_^) and he began to show the first signs of jealousy i'd seen in him in a long while. he wanted to lock me away and hide me from the rest of the world. I think that today he finally realized just how for granted we were both taking our relationship. i mean, we've been together for almost 4 years now and even lived together for a short while. but it seems that instead of growing closer, we have let ourselves drift apart from one another.

    in all of this he has retreated to his friends, his work and his various obsessions (mostly buying bigger, faster and cooler stuff for his computer and truck). I have instead become self-absorbed in my own work and various projects. our time together shrank to almost nothing. and when we were together we'd just watch tv or go out and eat w/o hardly talking at all.

    so during all of this time to myself, since we both decided we were seeing waaaaaay too much of each other, i made some new friends. and i told them everything that had been bottled up inside of me. because of this openess and flat out honesty with them. i have grown closer to them in the past few months than i've felt with frank in years. this then, made me feel like something was obviously wrong.

    i mean, how can i say i love someone who i barely know, who i know nothing about? does he even know or remember the real me? these are the things i asked myself. and today i found the answers i was loooking for.

    when i told frank everything (i'm never one to keep secrets for long) he got emotional at first, got angry that i felt that way, and then blamed himself for taking what we had for granted. but that's all i needed to hear. he told me "i don't ever want to lose you, but i want you to be happy". and he pulled out his notebook which contained (for the first time in several years) some new writing. apparently, he missed me too and had decided to start writing again to get all of those emotions out. ^-^ That was such great news (and beautiful words) but what got me most was the look in his eyes that told me he was being honest with me.

    so we got through this one, we made it and we spent the whole night drawing little pictures and writing little comments while we talked about the good old days and all our happy memories together. That's what love is, tested and true. and i think we can make it as long as we stay honest to each other.

     
  • found a beauty while searching on WinMX: 2002-03-19 03:30:14 I Would Die for You
    Artist: Antique

    Kathisa kai skeftika
    Kai eida oti m'agapas
    Mono esi, mono esi
    Ola t'alla pseftika
    Mono i diki sou akgalia
    Me krata sti zoi
    'Cause I would die for you
    Look into my eyes and see it's true
    Really I could never lie to you
    Just to make you see that
    No one else could ever love you
    Like the way I do

    Die for you
    Look into my eyes and see it's true
    Really I could never lie to you
    Just to make you see that
    No one else could ever love you
    Like the way I do




    ***the english intro goes something like this:
    Loving you the way i do,
    and all these things that make me blue,
    make me sad, make me mad
    finally the (...rivers?...)part
    there's only sorrow in my heart
    hard to say, I'm okay...***

     
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