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Some stuff on the inside
2002-10-09 07:44:58
It is now the third day First Child Studio has been up and I know that I should be happy. I finally have my studio, a reason to watch all the anime I want and have the chance to go to conventions and win money; but I have been extreamly depressed latly.
All my friends are at college. The friends who are not far away at college are here at Lehi Carbon Community College - the same place I go. I love the people here. So different than at high school. So much more color and depth of charactor and soul. No one here is shallow or paper thin. But I am digressing. My depression comes from the fact that everyone here has someone to love or be close to. I once had a girl friend. Not just your have for a week then move on but someone who I really cared about and was happy just to know she was in the same building as me. But I wanted to remain a virgin and she wanted to give me her virginity. In the end, my stupid, cowardly action drove off the only woman who loved me and that I loved. Even when she showed me her breasts and trusted me, I was a coward and nearly passed out. I haven't been that close to anyone in over two years. Damn it! I was happy with her, happier than I had in my entire life. I know that I am not perfect - I hear voices in my head, I am lazy and have a cruel streak that will not be denied. I view half of my spirit as kindrid of Urial - archangel of Night and half of my spirit as that of Abagon - Demon lord of the Shadow. I want both halves to be sated as it was with my past love - Abagon with the physical and Urial with the mental - but I have not been able to find someone who will willing to love me. I hate being alone and the longer that I am alone - the more introverted I become. One big catch 22.
Because of my past expierences, alot of my movies and projects will be a way of trying to express how I feel - alone and cold. My first big project that I will show here on AnimeMusicVideos.org will be an Evangelion music video (as if there wasn't enough) of the song "Hero" by Nickelback. I can identify with Shinji's not wanting to be a hero. His pain and fear of hurting himself and others is the primary reason that he acts the way he does. Because he does not want to hurt the ones he loves - Rei, Askua, Misato and the others, he does nothing to risk him losing the love he has but also does nothing to grow or expand the love he diserves. Exactly like me... Look for it sometime around easter of 2003. - First Contact 2002-10-07 20:35:59 Well, it is the first official day that First Child Studio has existed. After watching many movies, episodes, buying magna and researching almost everything that I can about anime - I fianlly got the balls necessary to start my own AMV studio. I can finally give my extreamly small contribution to the Anime Community. I hope that the community likes it...
JOURNAL: Dleko (Dleko Urial)
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