JOURNAL: DrifterWolf (Drifter Wolf)

  • My 20th birthday 2005-02-21 16:01:41 The 12th marked my 20th year of life. I've been spending some time rflecting on where i'd hoped to be by this time... I guess i'm not too far off. It's been slow going so far but i did manage to finally get a van and get some money saved up to move out on... I guess i was just hoping to have been out and setteled by now. I don't even know what that means to me though... I still hate the idea of working 9 to 5 for the rest of my life just so i can get that house with the white picket fence and live 'the dream' everyone else around me keeps going on about. There simply has to be more to this life than that! ...but i went on about that enough last time...

    People are trying to be really nice to me cause we just found out that my father has lung and possibly (I'm not sure if I'm spelling this correctly) prostate cancer... that doesn't look spelled right, but whatever.
    The thing is My father and I never really got along. He was mean and a drunk... even meaner while drunk, abusive among other things. I Feel bad though because i don't feel sorry for him. My older sister and i told him this would happen if he didn't stop smoking...

    I don't even know why i'm telling you all this. I'm just trying to understand how i could have become so cold and dead on the inside that i no longer feel for the man who i once looked up to. I mean sure he eventually turned into a bad person but before that he taught me the kinght's old code that i've based all my morals off of. ...how could a man change so much I was prepared to follow him into certain death... now i don't even feel remorce as i learn that his body is eating itself from the inside out. He is going to die and i don't feel bad about it. Am i a monster? Am i the one who was wrong for all these years? i just don't know.

    I can still remember vividly the massive beatings i took with my older sister just because i stood up to defend her each time he lashed out at her in a drunken rage, and i guess its these memories that make me want to celebrate his inpending death... but that would be wrong. How can i consol a man that up until a week ago i would have gladly run through? I guess i feel something... it doesn't really matter. i guess i've become so scarred and hardened by this constant war that i no longer feel emotions toward him. he is my father, or was. I guess i've become so acustomed to thinking of him as my mortal enemy that he actually became my mortal enemy... and now he is dying... so what do i do? I can't go to him crying and showing weakness, but i can't allow myself to go jumping around the house celebrating and cheering either. I guess i'll just sit back and wait keep playing this like i have. when he dies i'll attend the funiral but i wont be delivering his ulligy, either 
  • My first hello 2004-05-05 06:38:27 Hi, i'm Drifter i just recently started making AMV's and as of right now haven't uploaded any of them. I'm not as dedicated nor as talented as even half of you here. and I'm working on a total budget of $0. I'm an unemployed writer working on my first novel. I have a feeling it will hit big, but don't we all.
    I'm sure you all wan't to know a little about me. My real name is irrelevent, it'll be changing here soon. It never felt like my name anyway. I was named after my father, thats all I'll say. My only hope is that I can be different from him, that I can break the cycle his family has perpetuated for generations. They're all abusive, some like my father, are only when drunk, others, like my grandfather, are reguardless. I'll go no further on the subject.
    I'm trying to be the best I can despite all thats happened. I'm trying to make a success of myself so that when I leave I won't have to look back.
    My plan is to go on a long wondering journey as soon as I have the money, and a car... and my licence. I'm 19 and i haven't even dtarted to get one. Pathetic i know, but thats how my life goes. everything comes slow, too slow. It's because i haven't even started to make an adult life. Nor do i want to. I like myself as I am now. sure i would love more wisdom but i still want to be able to laugh and play and to enjoy what time i was givin on this planet.
    The first thing I need is a job. That's not an easy thing to come by, not for me. I'm a high school drop out (Long Confusing story there) who has not skills no reference and can't bear to say his own name. not to mention that my physical appearance is takes some getting used to. Ever have a kid run up to you pointing yelling "mommy, mommy it's the wolfman" probably not... it looks better now that i'm shaving! I still have a hard face my many lifehood stuggles have already shown on my face. I look like a serial murderer but i'm not sure why. yes i am, i know exactly why. it all comes down to the many hardships I've endured the many personal demons I've fought and the many memories I've lost in a storm of hate.
    I try not to focus on the bad though. what hasn't killed me has made me stronger. Today there is little anyone can do to hurt me. I've gone on enough tonight, maybe i'll say more later. Right now all i want to do is watch the sun rise. 
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