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Burning Inside
2003-12-03 00:08:25
I have just gone throught he worst goddamn hangover in my fucking life. I've never felt that sick the day after.
After an exam Monday night, the group of us went out to celebrate. About 5 or 6 pitchers later I realized that I had way more Sleeman's than was probably healthy.
I dry-heaved at least 5 times since then. I couldn't even walk until about 3:30 in the afternoon.
So the question is: why did I do this to myself?
Well, I'm holding my own little AA meeting. So let's start by figuring out why I drink. It's pretty easy - I'm really shy, and being drunk allows me to open up. I feel more easy going, more talkative, more confidant, more entertaining. Nothing bothers me, I stop caring or giving a fuck about all the little things that usually keep me worn down. I love that feeling, it's freedom.
Since I'm not going to be drinking again for awhile (it's 10pm while I write this and my headache still hasn't gone away), I have to realize that I need a more permanent way to get that feeling of freedom, and not be chemically dependent.
Plus, while I was drinking, I blabbed to the whole group, about 7 people, only 1 of whom I knew well, that I'm gay. So I can't keep quiet when I'm plastered, which may get me in trouble some day.
Today I was going to go to school, sell back some textbooks, study for my int'l studies exam, and go to the exam. Instead, I spent the day moaning in pain, unable to eat or drink, barely pulling myself together in time for the test. I lucked out there; the test was easy. -
Motion
2003-11-29 01:36:57
I have a friend. He's white.
He doesn't really like people who aren't white.
It's very annoying, and, well, disappointing.
And now he wants to buy a house. In this shit town I live in.
He actually plans to live here the rest of his life. This realization is too fucking scary. He is going to DIE here, never having truly seen anywhere else. And he acts like his best days are behind him, and he's only 22.
I need to leave here.
I need to live where there are other people still alive.
4 more months. One more semester, I have my degree, my freedom.
I'm starting to like this journal. It's more therapeutic than I would've given it credit for.
Plus it allows for more pretense, which I just can't get enough of. -
Love In Traffic
2003-11-25 21:56:08
I just realized a few days ago that I have a crush on a drag queen.
See what I did there? I wanted to make my first journal entry memorable. And I didn't have to lie! Life is good.
Regardless, he's a friend of a (ironically) straight friend, so sometime in the next while I should just give him a call instead of being an antisocial pussy. But I've got exams to pass right now so it'll have to wait.
JOURNAL: ithaqua
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