JOURNAL: chutsupsei (ayu mai)

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  • moo 2003-10-02 18:44:42 I realize copying Errol pann ish bad thing. So I won't dissappear! I will be here.. I don't know why.. I guess because even tho errol go all depressy now.. me hopes he comes back to actually talk to me with why he's leaving me here all alone! I mean Nnjsword left already.... so.. moo I all alones here in this journally thing..

    woofles... How was my test you may wonder? Thanks to Janet for helping me with studying during lunch otherwise me really would fail miserably!!.. Errol... me needs you.. if u goes.. me dunno what to do.. even tho.. I don't want to need you.. because needing you would make me hurt you.. I don't want to hurt you.. I don't want anymore pain inflicted on you.. I don't want to hurts you!!...

    moo... you want me to grab your hand.. but.. are you sure? Someone else would probably have better grip on it.. someone else might be able to hold it tighter than I can.. Me so weak.. if it slips out.. do I catch it again? Do you want me to...? Or would you rather leave me right now? for my own good....... That's a lie! you must lives for urself! you must do it for your own good.. if you leave me no pain inflicted on j00!! forgets about me.. I don't matter! nothing matters! when love is not enough !... because I want to be able to do many things for you too.. I want to always be there.. I want to always be with you.. but I can't Ro! I'm always hurting you with my pessimism.. how can you want me..? how can you ...

    woofles! must stop being depressy.. I'll forget all that I said.. me will gain more faith in j00 me will trusts you! Me will takes away all damned walls I puts up... me needs YOU!!! YOU WORTHIES! I IDIOT! WOOFLES!... I need you Errol be here for me.. if you left me all alone.. I'll have to bother June everyday with how ur doing.. which I already do.. except I'd do it to make it seem like me hidings something.. woofles! June still does not know u gots internet back!! Errol stays with meee stays with me always and forever! ... I want to hug you! I want to show you me loves you! me wants whack you with random things for making me all jealous and whacks you with random things cuz ... teh slimes loves you!! ... that makes no sense.. eh well!! woofles!!

    you're mineee! all mine!! I don't care what others say about this relationship!! And if you fall for Maria (this really pretty girl that will takes me to California at some point...) ME WILL KNOWS U DON'T LOVES ME!.. woofles.. she a bishojou !! whee~~!! model and everything.. so woofles.. you fall for her u dies! *whacks*

    heehee.. much tests for Errol in teh futures.. (remember u have to get my mom and dad's approvals in order to marries me?... my mom.. is very similar to Junes mom for some reason.. except.. she kinda.. well.. she has too high standards for a son in law... XD)

    woofles teh doom for teh Errol when he meets my lil cousins which will all run and glomple you!... jes to make me jealous..

    T^T... if only I were lil like them! then I could tackle glomp you without fear of hurting you..

    Errol paannn!! be heres.. each time you warms my heart.. did you know you get rid of more pain.. I love you for your sweet self! I love you for always being sure of yourself when I ask you things.... moo...

    *glomple*mineeee if anyone makes u depressy I will hurts them!! in this case.. I need to find a long piece of wood to whack self repeatedly for making you all sad and confusy and depressy.. either that or get melanie to whack me with textbooks.. yesh teh texuto bookus will teh works!buahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaha

    .... erm I hope you don't mind there being scars or any bruises on me... moo.. don't be sad! Pain is good for my soul! ( that's not right but meh someone once said to me Love is Pain.. woofles I don't know why tho?.. maybe it hurts when they did it.. woofles.. weird.. woofles ERROL! LETS ADOPT! ... if love hurts.. *shudders)

    *scuttles awaaaay..

    who knows when errol will see this entry.. maybe he will hate me! maybe.. woofles..everyone has down days.. woofles.. you cry for me.. I cry for you too.. our tears.. woofles they aren't wasted!... moo they jes show in moment of weakness.. makes us stronger if we can get back up onto the path that will take us to each other.. (must get high marks must get high marks.. must kill samson for no reason must kill samson for no... wait that's not right.. O.o)

    I not crazies and deranged! and my texture ain't the best fur of chinchilla.. (stupid crazy in love song.. XD)

    *glomples Errol.. IF U STILL DOWN AND DEPRESSY FROM MY WORDs... HURTS ME WITH YOUR WORDS TOO!.. OR SOMETHING HARD PREFERABLY TExTBOOK! OR MAYBE PHONE ME AND scREAM AT ME JOO HATES ME!!


    woofles..  
  • moo.. 2003-10-02 07:08:56 errol poofles away then.. I poofles away too! *poofles*

    (puts up sign before poofles sayings.. will be back.. soon.. will find legion of cactuar around oasis to come back with me heeheehee)

    (woofles.. all alone again.. then again pain is good for my soul...... self inflicted pain are teh good) 
  • need talk to ro! 2003-10-01 21:16:35 woofles all not the future husband no lookies at this entry!! rawwr!

    Errol.. if u always gonna be so flirty with ppl in other forums and online.. I'd like you to know. I get jealous too. I'm only human. I hate it when you do such things.. but you know what? I hate you more for flirting to them even tho u tell me that they're flirting with you. The fact that you admit that you were the one that started it shows ur honest.. but don't you know.. I'm mad at you! I'm mad at you for doing it in the first place when you know you're already taken! But.. I begin to feel that maybe you don't want to be taken.. I give you restrictions you never had before. Don't you know I hate causing any trouble at all in your life. I hate causing you pain I hate hurting you.. I hate being myself. I hate the fact that I still don't trust you with all my heart and that I lack much faith in you. I sometimes don't believe you when you say you love me. Do you know that when you told me that you sometimes whisper to the wind asking me to stay with you because you love me.. I feel it.. somehow.. I can't explain it.. but my answer to it is always the same.. I'm sorry but someday I will leave you.. in death I can't tell you when I will die... but its an uncertainty when that will happen.. But I want it to happen earlier.. but it will make all our promises.. all our emotions.. lies.. or just dreams..

    I don't want to listen to my heart.. cuz it aches Errol.. It hurts when you flirt with others.. it gets jealous when you talk about others with crushes on you and it doesn't want to hurt and yet it wants to. I want to embrace all pain you give to me because maybe someday it might be all that i have from you. I find joy within my sorrow.

    Don't you know my mind always denies your love.. don't you know my mind is always telling me I'll only get hurt if I get close to you. You prove it right when you tell me of others that feel for you. You prove to it that you aren't committed to me. It shows maybe in your heart I'm not the only one. I won't hold onto you Errol.. I won't grasp the hand you reach out to me. I can't believe you. I'm scared of believing you. I scared of love.

    I may seem strong on the outside to you so confident.. but.. I'm one of the weakest people that I know. I can't admit my weaknesses.. I can't admit to being afraid.. I can't admit to having no faith in others because i fear being betrayed if I put trust into them. I fear people I fear letting anyone close. I fear especially you... you're so close to me.. I want to withdraw into my corner.. hiding all fear.. hiding all pain.. and while inside i hide in this corner.. the outside I want you to only see me happy..

    But it hurts hiding all pain hiding all fear.. never being truthful that i don't have much faith in you because I fear maybe all your sweet words.. really are... lies... I don't know if I can trust anyone.. I don't know who to go to when I feel these things.. So I wasted last night crying.. and the tears are still coming now..

    I went to school today with my eyes swollen.. Maria, and Janet wouldn't leave me alone about these things.. so I ended up telling them.. Maria let me cry.. because you know what? I broke down today.. I broke down all the walls and things I put up to keep others from knowing the weak person I am.

    I was able to utter all the things bothering. All the beliefs my mind gives me..... that no matter what may happen to me someone will take my place..
    that no matter how much you love me someone probably loves you more than I do therefore making ur love wasted... that no matter what kind of future we could have together... maybe I am better off alone. Alone from people.. materialistic.. and working towards goals of making money money and more money.. everything else doesn't matter that way right..? If I drown out all pain with false ambitions ... or maybe I can hurt enough to go numb.. maybe it would be easier to exist that way..

    Errol everyday I hold something back.. everyday I hold my love back.. everday I put up a new shell around my heart.. everyday I have less faith in myself.. everday I make myself believe that your love is wasted on me.. everyday I tell myself someone out there is better for you.. I want to believe these lies..

    won't you let me?... but then again you already do.. because I tell you nothing.. you never see much wrong with me do you.. but then again.. you don't like questioning me.. my actions or why I am a certain way on certain days or whatever..

    Don't love me Errol.. I'm not worth it.. someone who won't let herself love you back is not worth it.. someone with little self esteem as I is never worth it. I'll probably commit suicide and cause you endless pain.. so leave me Errol.. that way no pain is inflicted on you.. I hate hurting you..
    But everyday I hurt you.. Ro if I didn't exist.. I wouldn't have to see myself hurting you.. no matter what I do I cause you pain.. loving me causes you pain because of distance.. not loving you hurts because I love you in my heart.. and stopping my heart from loving you hurts more than anything.. but I do it anyway.. talking to you hurts you because I constantly try to get you to love someone, anyone else because I don't see myself of anything "worthy"

    so I question how you can love me.. or maybe you only love an exterior.. maybe you see nothing of me really.. maybe what you love of me is a lie.. maybe i'm nothing really in ur eyes if you knew how weak I am.....
    I want to be able to lean on your shoulder.. to be supported by you.. but its the other way around.. it feels like you're supported by me.. I do that because its right.. but.. I want to be able to lie on you I want to be able to be dependent on you.. don't leave me feeling like I'm independent.. can't we be interpendent? dependent on one another?... but you don't need me! can't you see someone will take my place.. no matter what happens to me.. someone will always be able to take my place in your life..

    So I'm not needed..

    I love you Errol.. but it hurts each time I say it because I'm not saying it with all my heart.. I'm afraid of you Errol.. but mostly.. I'm afraid of myself.

    Maybe I will commit suicide in the future.. maybe I will leave you all alone..with that in mind.. I'd rather you go with someone else.. I'm unstable Ro.. the one you lean your head on.. must be someone who is stable someone that can be there for you.. someone that can love you back with all thier heart without fear..

    deep down inside..I love you Ro.. but don't love me.. please don't love me..

    I'm not worth it


     
  • hmm 2003-10-01 06:58:51 my eyes are so swollen.. cried till around 4 Am.. I didn't sleep much.. didn't study either.. I hope I fail.. miserably.. 
  • 2003-10-01 01:23:48  
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