JOURNAL: cleel927 (DECEASED )

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  • wow how quickly can someone's perspective change. 2004-07-05 00:26:06 It doesn't matter how upset I get with Anna.. she always seems to make things alright again O_o..

    As for my mom though.. that's a different story. Things can never be "alright" with her.

    hmm what a weird password it turned out to be =p I almost expected more.. and why does she want me to get a hamster so badly anyway?? =p ah well.. too bad it rained and she had to go out for dinner. It was a nice day.. I'm gonna cook a cake tomorrow! =D 
  • Life is stupid. So much pain. 2004-07-04 12:37:30 Sophie never trusted me.

    Anna can't even trust me enough to tell me her password. Her words were lies.

    Everyone's words are lies.

    My mom says she's under SO much pressure because of me and wants to die everyday. Well boohoo I go under the same pressure. At least I don't bitch about it at random times everyday, and at least I try to go on with my life no matter how bitchy you are. -_-

    I hate everything around me. But I don't hate myself. Because I know I'm trying to be someone. My mom can discourage me all she wants. When I start to do well again, I won't laugh at her though, I won't let her be happy about me either. I'll ignore her. Because I'm doing this for myself. I hate her comments, her put downs, she thinks she's helping me?? seems more like forcefully mentally assualting me. Despite all this, at least I'm not suicidal. Unlike her. She thinks she's so smart just because she's the adult with all the "experience" well look who's the one comtemplating over death everyday? What I lack in experience, I gain back in the will to go on.

    I'm so tired.. so much pressure put on me. She says I should look at it from her perspective. What about me?? I have a perspective too! look at it!! I TRY to work hard, and you bitch at me. Everytime I go on the comp you think I'm playing games. You bitch about me working on media arts because it's GAMING to you. Making websites is EASY isn't it?? I don't see you getting perfect a the final portfolio worth 30 percent of your mark. And it was thanks to my website that you call GAMING. YOU BITCH.

    After working, I finally take a break on the comp. The first thing you do is start BITCHING and start yelling at me to DO WORK. WTF I just DID WORK. And you don't believe me. And you continue bitching. I say you don't understand, you say help me understand. I try to HELP YOU UNDERSTAND BUT YOU CAN'T HEAR ME UNDER ALL YOUR BITCHING. WTF??!! SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO STFU.

    I don't defend myself in arguments, I don't need to. Because I don't want to waste my breath. I know you can't hear me. Your bitching is so loud that it erodes your thoughts and clouds your judgement. You're angry at NOTHING. By the time you finally clear your mind, it'd b gone, but your thoughts would cling on to whatever you were bitching about anyway. And so the cycle continues. THAT IS WHY YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

    Back at church today, I simply told you not to remind Tim about his University acceptance problem. But you start bitching about me and high school getting in to university. WTF I was simply trying to HELP YOU UNDERSTAND how it feels to b a student and how it's freaken bad for parents to constantly remind them about education when they already have so much pressure on it. You think we don't care about school, THEN WHY ARE WE FREAKEN DOING HMWK AND GOING TO SCHOOL IN THE FIRST PLACE? If I didn't care about school like you said, then I would be skipping every class. BUT YOU DON'T FREAKEN UNDERSTAND. So RIGHT AFTER I tell you not to remind Tim, you remind ME and start BITCHING LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. Don't Come to me saying you want to die everyday, hey come look at me! I'm under as much pressure as you. But in the end, you're only pressuring yourself. How can I be pressuring you? You don't have school anymore. I DO! I'm the one under pressure of doing well here. WTF does it have to do with you? AND IT'S MY FAULT?? WTF GTH for all I care. I TRY to do well but you say I do nothing. DO YOU WANT ME TO DO NOTHING AND SHOW YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO NOT CARE?!?!!?! It's my bad for giving you a chance to understand.

    I know it's too difficult for your lil mind to comprehend LIFE. REALITY. REAL PRESSURE. OTHER PPL'S PERSPECTIVES.

    Even Raymond walking in last time had no clue what was going on. You just started bitching out of no where. Now he understands what I have to go through too. He knows that you're crazy. I think a lot more ppl should know too. I think other ppl should get a chance to see how you only know how to discourage me and bitch at me randomly. YOUR MENTAL ISSUES ARE INFLICTED FROM YOURSELF NOT ME. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR PATHETICLY SELF-CENTERED MIND. STOP BLAMING ME FOR YOUR OWN ISSUES. LET ME TAKE CARE OF MY OWN EDUCATION. -_- I know what I'm doing. Students are more educated about jobs and career paths than you think. That's what CAREERS IS FOR. But you wouldn't understand. BECAUSE YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND. I don't try to HELP YOU UNDERSTAND because you'll just start BITCHING AT ME AGAIN.

    I feel so numb.. Why can't you be encouraging for once. The only words coming from your mouth are always discouragements and put downs. Never hope. And then there's the blaming on me of how life sucks, and then the pressure and blah blah blah. The list goes on and on.

    *sigh.. and passing by the room seeing me type probably made you think I was on MSN didn't it?? DIDN'T IT. And you thought in your mind "he's talking to Anna again.. wasting all his time. Probably planning to meet somewhere too" WTF see this is what I'm talking about. You don't understand anything. I'm TYPING IN MY JOURNAL. And when Anna msged me, I BLOCKED HER BECAUSE I NEEDED TO TYPE HERE. But you wouldn't tihnk that. You wouldn't understand that. All you know is how to bitch about things. Be Prejudice. and Assume that I suck.

    Other than education I have my own problems too you know. No wait YOU WOULDN'T KNOW. And I can't talk to you about it because YOU'LL BITCH ABOUT IT. I've tried to HELP YOU but you only hurt me for helping you. So I give up. In the end I guess I'm afraid Anna will end up treating me like Sophie. Just show me a larger sign of trust here. But no. Whatever. Why do you keep doing things I don't expect you to do.. I know you're not perfect, no one is, but I'd think you'd do something that at least vaguely resembled what I thought you'd do?? You never seem to be online when I need you. You come on like 1-2 hours LATER. Last time when you went to the park for fireworks, I got home at 9 earlier through all the bitching just to come see you or talk to you. I waited till 11 something until you finally came back online. You could have left an e-mail or something?? Then I would have come dashing out. But no. You let me wait. Then later on when I asked you about your day, you said it was boring. And didn't even mention the park and fireworks. I didn't know you were in to keeping things from me. But I guess you are. I wonder what other things you keep from me that you do. Oh that's right. Your password! I'd gladly tell you mine. But you won't trust me of course. Of course. You don't want me to do things like hack in to your aa and write stuff in there that other ppl could see. You never did want other ppl to find out. You hate the fuss. You hate ppl reminding you that you're with me? I wanted to hold your hand in school before. I don't anymore. I know how much you try avoiding it. I know how much you hate ppl seeing. It really makes me wonder what I'm doing. Maybe I was wrong. I trust ppl too easily. Are you ashamed to let ppl know you're with me? Maybe that's it. I don't blame you. It's me not you. It's always my fault.

    SEE LOOK WHAT PRESSURES I HAVE TO FACE OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL TOO. MY MOM AND THIS. I hate it all so much. I can't talk to Anna about this.. if she really was meant for me, she'd be able to understand and tell from how I act. That's another thing.. she can't seem to tell when something's wrong. Even when it's right out in your face. Last time when I waited for her at the school and walked past her house on my way home. I saw her gardening. I told her that I had waited 20 minutes for her at school. She Said "oh." And then I left. She didn't say thanks for waiting, didn't apologize, didn't do ANYTHING. Didn't even try to stop me from leaving. All it takes is a sad smile on my face and you think things are alright. I'm sure glad you're there for me when I need you. NOT.

    -_- what a load of bull that is my life.. 
  • 2004-04-01 23:03:06 hmmm I stopped using this journal cuz it's lame :p I still come to the site for amvs.. but I think I'll b moving back to lj lol just gotta change back from the default settings.. 
  • 2004-03-27 19:32:17 After Reading some other ppl's entries.. *ahem* I realized, that you are all self conceited freaks ^^ tsk tsk what a corrupt society you all make. Now I'm glad that I'm different. You say I'm the one who left everyone else behind and not the other way around? Well, now I think that was a good thing. I may have my own problems, but at least I'm able to deal with it. 
  • 2004-03-15 15:32:59 wow everyone has so many problems lately... lol so do I... but I don't complain and show it as much ^^

    Anyway... wow I'm bored... I should go watch anime or something! 
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