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Interesting side effect
2003-09-27 15:22:09
This medication has done alot of unexpected things recently. Side effects not listed in the documentation. Two of which of particular note to me are an amazingly increased libido, and an acquired ability to hate.
The second one might sound odd to some. I have never really and truly hated anything in my life. For the longest time I thought I just lacked the capacity for hate, I dont know why, it's just something that has never occured. True, complete, honest to goodness hatred was something I didn't understand and couldn't fathom. That has all changed. Perhaps it's less an effect of the medication, and more an effect of the way current events in my life are shaping up. Regardless of reasoning, I now have hatred. Terrifying and horrible hatred. Hatred that causes the bile in my stomach to well up. Hatred that causes my soul to burn with the heat of a thousand suns. Hatred that makes my hair stand on end, and causes me to have brief moments where even reason falls before it's might. Where for an instant of time I am no more than an animal, standing by instinct alone as pure unadulterated hatred racks at my being.
I have doubts that any good will come of this.
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A Riddle?
2003-09-26 17:58:47
What happens when you take a man who by virtue of his mental chemistry and physical make-up has spent his entire life dealing with constant physical fatigue due to horrible sleep apnea causing him to become rapidly overweight, but with the added curse of being overly paranoid that no matter what he's doing, it's somehow wrong and might upset someone, and then give this man surgery and pills to cure both the fatigue and the fear, while at the same time helping him to reduce his weight at a rapid pace?
I'm not sure yet, but damn does it feel good to finally be freed of these shackles that have held me down for so long. Now I guess it's up to me to use these powers for good or evil. Well I guess it all depends on how accurate my prediction of the future is. Pray for goodness, because my bad side is mentally licking it's lips for a chance to run things his way.
Nurd -
And I'm back
2003-09-25 08:15:10
My oh my the human mood does shift quite a bit in the course of a nights sleep. Not that I feel like I got any, I got a decent amount, I just feel like I didn't get any at all. Probably something to do with my tonsils being not there and my snoring being almost completely gone, meaning that my sleep apnea is probably gone and my brain is actually getting oxygen while I sleep, a very dangerous proposition., as I have only been held back in life by the problems that my sleep apnea causes: constant fatigue, memory loss, complete inability to concentrate. Without these handicaps I can finally realize my dream of conquering the world. That is assuming that I ever recover from 27 years of accumulated sleep debt.
But I digress, back to my mood, I am once again one happy mo'fugga, probably because I got used to driving the car again so I didn't feel like I had to pour myself in this morning, that and the humidity felt less today than it did yesterday. This being Florida though, the weather is subject to change without notice.
Some days I wish I had money. Normally I'm one of those "Don't need money to be happy"/"Money is the root of all evil" types because I only need enough to cover my basic necessities: roof over head, food, transportation, power, high speed internet, phone. Everything else is just gravy for the most part. But on days like today I just get some incredible ideas that cause me to wish I had a bevy of venture capitalists in my back pocket to fund my brilliance.
Hmmm.. I seem to be having humility problems today, as in, I'm lacking any and all of it.
I did, on the other hand, think of a great video idea, one that I like better than the two projects I'm currently stalled in the process of working on, so I may scrap those two altogther for this one, as this one has more meaning to me personally. I'll just look through my clips, keep what I can use, and ditch the rest, and then it's time to watch all this damn Anime I've collected in the past few weeks and determine which ones might fit the theme I'm going for. I've sketched out a sort of basic idea, but it's all a matter of matching thought to picture. Looks like I'll be redownloading cinepaint to fit some things right. This unfortunatley means I need to rebuild my Linux box as cinepaint for Windows is almost completely unusable due to constant crashing.
Ahh well, should be fun, just have to make sure I take time to do the yardwork I have planned as well :)
Peace -
Gah
2003-09-24 07:46:00
Well my mood has lessened quite a bit this morning. I think most of this has to do with my car, I have a car and a van, and for the most part of the past couple weeks I've been driving the van. It's a Ford Aerostar so while it may not be a full sized van (ie. conversion van, or any van made in the 70's) it's certainly no mini. So after a couple weeks of driving this behemoth, I get into my other car, which is a saturn, as it has the CD player and I have just recently found all my CD's and want to give them a listen. The only problem is, this car is absolutely miniscule by comparison to the van, so I drove to work feeling very squished.
My self confidence hasn't faded really, as my limited precognition has shown me the way, all ways actually. I was trying to explain to someone the other day how it works, it's like memory, only in reverse.
Remembering the future would be more accurate than "seeing" the future. But the problem is, since the future isn't set in stone, it's more like remembering a bunch of different things that all happen at the exact same instant, so you have to focus a little to weed out some of the more unlikely ones (ie. nuclear war destroys the world, which is always possible, but unlikely).
It's not so bad this time as damn near all roads lead to the same event, but the other optional futures are possible as well, the choices are mine as to which one I aim for. Luckily, the future event that seems to be statistically most probable is the one I want anywho. :)
Bah, every caffeinated beverage in the soda machine in my office is out, except for the vanilla coke, which isn't all bad, but entirely not what I wanted this morning.
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Hot Damn
2003-09-23 15:07:43
It's almost 4pm and I'm still in one chipper of a mood, man if I get much happier they're going to lock me into an insane asylum. Must be careful though, with this mood change has come an amazing sense of self confidence. I am confident about very few things generally. My ability to fix shit (computers, old cars, random shit I find laying about the house), and my abilities at the original Killer Instinct (at which, I will own each and every member of the org, I assure you, bring it on motherfucker, show up here with supernes and cartridge in hand, and I'll send you home holding nothing but your own ass bizatch) but today, I'm the fucking man (well in my own eyes at any rate) I guess that's good, since I am usually the complete opposite, having virtually no faith in my own ability to do jack schitt. Probably the paxil, I tried it out cuz I was pretty sure I had that social anxiety shit, it might be cured, but if you've been afraid of people for 27 years, you dont really have a point of reference, I dont have a social circle to test it on, I never had reason to build one. Maybe I'll go out and do something with the folks at work next time they go out. Who the hell knows?
Peace
JOURNAL: Nurd (Zach Wilkes)
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