Got any good jokes?

Veldrin · Post by **Veldrin** » Fri Jul 18, 2003 4:22 pm

I have one, I'm not going to guarantee its funny though. I cant quite remember it so I am gonna improvise.

A guy finds a lamp and rubs it. A genie comes out and says.

"I will grant you three wishes, but what ever you wish for your worst enemy gets double of."

"Ok" says the man. Thinking, he says "I wish I had a lamborghini!"

The genie says "Ok, but your worst enemy gets 2 lamborghinis."

So a car appears for the man.

Then the man says "I wish I had a million dallors!"

The genie says again "Ok, but your worst enemy gets 2 million dallors."

Suddenly the man has a million dallors.

Now the man has only 1 wish left so he thinks a while about how if worst enemy is going to get double of what he wishes for. Finally the man goes to the genie and says "I wish I could donate a lung."

GebStar · Post by **GebStar** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 12:21 am

An Australian, and American and and Irishman are being chased by the Mafia. The three men run down a dark alley and they jump into 3 separate sacks. The mafia hitmen then walk into the alley and look at the sack, one of the Mafia men kicks the bag with the Australian in it and the Australian goes "Meeeow" the Mafia man says "it's just a sack of cats" he kicks the second sack and the American goes "Woof woof" and the man says "its just a sack of Dogs" he then kicks the third bag which has the irishman in it the irishman goes "Potatoes Potatoes"

EarthCurrent · Post by **EarthCurrent** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 12:25 am

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.

OmniStrata · Post by **OmniStrata** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 12:30 am

EarthCurrent wrote:Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.

J00 R $0 1337!!!!

[me dies laughing my ass off...]

AznRAVEr1022 · Post by **AznRAVEr1022** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 12:14 pm

i dont get it...

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Org Profile · Post by **Otohiko** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 12:16 pm

AznRAVEr1022 wrote:i dont get it...

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Do they sell those now or what? I want one!

OmniStrata · Post by **OmniStrata** » Sun Jul 20, 2003 1:32 pm

AznRAVEr1022 wrote:i dont get it...

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Those jokes are like ur avatar, fuckin' hilarious ^_^

What do you do when you can't see? [open your eyes :p]

Bad things happen when...

You use a gold bar as a paperweight in a public library
You enter the women's bathroom and find urinals... no stalls

You use a pen on a scantron type test for your finals
You have a seat and you run out of toilet paper [w00t!]
You use a microwave on your pressure cooker to "speed things up"
You drive the wrong way down the highway
You are being chased by dinosaurs and discover your car is out of gas
You are being chased by man-eating wild animals and you have no friend to trip
Klinky's picture page goes down and you have no victims to stalk :p
You fight ninjas blindfolded with no firearms in reach
You push that little red button that says "don't push..."
You say jokes to friends that aren't funny... [whoa, it gets ugly, believe me ^_^]
You run out of ideas while editing and THEN Premiere decides to crash...

[AV] ChOjIn 69 · Post by **[AV] ChOjIn 69** » Wed Jul 23, 2003 11:54 am

Now here's one you should all be familiar with:

MJ, Zarxrax, and Omni all get shipwrecked on a remote tropical island. Unfortunately for them, as they quickly discover, the island is populated solely by gay cannibals. The cannibal chief offer the three a choice: death or conga. MJ, who gets first pick, chooses "conga." This results in him being anally violated by the largest cannibal on the island. After seeing this, Zarxrax ponders his choices for a moment.

"I'm not gay, but I guess its better than dying.....gimme conga"

Once again, the R4||DXXX000R5 0|= 7|-|3 455XXXX0R5 commences

Omni, ever the Homophobe, yells:

"SCREW THE B|_|77 53XXX0R5 I'D RATHER DIE THAN DO THAT CRAP!!!"

"Very well" said the cannibal chief
"Death........BY CONGA!!!!!!!"

OmniStrata · Post by **OmniStrata** » Wed Jul 23, 2003 10:14 pm

I GAVE YOU THAT JOKE BIOTCH!!!

Propyro · Post by **Propyro** » Wed Jul 23, 2003 10:27 pm

you young hunchbacked child walked into the kitchen to see his mother taking a wok out of the cupboard.

Immeaditly the chld jumped for joy singing "vere gonna ave ster fwy!"

The mother looked at her son jumping around and said "what the hell is your problem? I'm not making stir fry, i'm ironing yoru shirts you fucking mental case."

/fin

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