A rant done by a very, very, bitter guy.
Anime Sucks!
Anime Hate
By Goat ''I'm not bitter'' Boy
The Pokemon movie has arrived, and I can just shiver in horror, as for some reason, which someone has yet to explain to me, I'll be seeing it on Tuesday (actually tonight, we didn't see that. We saw Princess Mononoke. I think the Gods felt pity on us, and made sure we'd miss Poketurd. -Ed). I can't deny that I am a little disappointed that the slaughter scene was left out. Apparently this movie was made from slicing 3 original Japanese ones, and by removing all the bad bits (where the bad, well-spoken MewTwo Pokemon goes into a frenzy of dikplay and trips everyone's nuts in a bath of blood). I would've given my left nut to see that scene, and to hear the kids scream in the theatre. Ah, twell.
Anyway, as Power Rangers killed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds, as Sailor Moon killed Power Rangers, Pokemon killed Sailor Moon, I can just sit back and wait,to see what will kill Pokemon. I can already picture our already full landfills filled with Pokemon paraphernalia.
I hate anime`. I was raised with anime`, and next to a dubbed version of Rocket Robin Hood, anime` was the next best thing to that and a giant enema. I don't know if it's a common thing in Europe, but in Italy, even now, you flip on the channel and you can find re-runs of all the blasted anime` cartoons that I had to endure.
There were generally three types of cartoons, the ones for girls, the ones for boys and ones that just made no sense. The ones for girls were divided further down in two categories: girl (or something), looking for either mother, father, uncle, whatever, in some remote part of the world other than Japan. At least once in the episode, her eyes would start to wobble and then streams of water would erupt. You could tell someone was about to cry in Japanime` because their eyes wobbled. The girl never found what she was looking for, until the very last episode (the last of several zillion). If you missed an episode, or far that matter, all of them, it would've been just the same.
The other kind of cartoon for girls was the one of some 7 year old who could mutate into someone or something else. Think Sailor Moon was a new concept? Ah, think again. They just got lucky because they wear short skirts, but as far as originality goes, they are not the first on line.
Boys had a large variety of robots to pick from: Mazinga, then later Mazinga Z, Daiton, Voltron and a bunch more (like Star Blazers and the former Yamato, now called Argo). The series varied between episodes or stories that one sometimes confused which robot you were looking at.
Aliens with a fashion sense that looked bad even in the 70s, would send in a robot. Robot would kick some civilian ass. They would look at the bad robot, have the ultra long "let's get into our robot, aha!" sequence, go into a fight with the robot, and in the end, use the same powerful weapon they use in every episode to slice, cut, Julian fries the enemy robot.
There would be that dramatic pause you only see in Japanese cartoons as everyone just stands there, then light starts to flicker out of the bad robot and Boom! So much for reliable alien technology.
The witty, snotty little kid of the group would say something not even remotely funny, and everyone would laugh. Every episode was like this! Why not use the ultra-powerful weapon right away? Or the snotty little kid?
Cartoons that made no sense were like "Ken the Warrior" (yeah and Bob the Samurai). He had a small head, a gigantic body and he'd go around touching punks (you know, spiked hair, leather jackets), and they would explode. I remember one episode, he kills a whole bunch of punks, then he touches another one, and he says "You have seven seconds to live, aha! You will tell me where you evil leader is, aha!" and the guy does. I would've flipped my bird and said, very calmly: "Fuck you, Ken". I digress.
There was one which was solely about soccer. I don't remember the name. I just remember that the episode started, something important would happen (the enemy team has a new goalie and you can't see his face because it's covered by his hair! Therefore he must be good - more on this later). Then they would play soccer for what seemed an eternity (you'd have to endure scenes like the main player running for the opposite net. He'd never get there. He'd be running, those weird lines that appear only in Japanimation screaming around him, occasionally jumping over the opposite team players that would, one by one, try to get the ball from him. In the distance, the goalie-net would appear, slowly emerging from behind the horizon line, as if planet earth was that small. The drama and all, I `pose. Maybe this took place on one of the smaller moons of Mars, but if that had been the case, they all would've died rather quickly. I digress, I'm sorry. Anyway, half an hour later (as the episode is about to end and you endure way too many commercials on the latest GIJOE dolls), our hero (with names like Mirko, Ken, Mikai, etc.), would win. Just like episode #1 to #5,652,234.
And the characters were always the same: the main hero would have usually goofy expressions, or if it was meant to be remotely serious, he'd have long hair. If you couldn't see his eyes it meant that buddy was cool, had a traumatic past, or just a short dick and he was trying to look like a man.
And of course, lest we forget the facial expressions: big eyes, no nose, small mouth with lines on cheek: embarrassed. Big eyes, no nose, big mouth: surprised. Lines instead of eyes, big mouth, no nose: upset. No eyes, no nose, big smile, lots of ovals instead of feet: in a hurry, but not going anywhere fast.
However, there is something worse than Anime`. It's the people that love Anime`. They follow episodes as if it were their religion, draw their own art (which is exactly identical to what everyone else is doing, since they have to follow the masters' trace) with extreme dedication, and have the inability to discuss their passion rationally:
"I don't like Akira."
"WHAT! HERETIC!"
Frankly, I don't. Okay, so the animation is great, but forget it when it comes to a story line. Dragontesticle Z, Akira, Ghost in the Shell, long stories, with action and philosophy that are supposed to strike in our hearts (or in our lower intestines as we sit on the can). They sit there and complain that the americanized version just doesn't cut it, and that dubbing ruins the story. Frankly it doesn't make a difference. It's not like their eyes grow smaller and their brains bigger.
Then you get the Hentai shit, with school girls being raped by tentacles or giant green demons. Wooah, okay there boy, hold on the `shrooms.
I better end this, before the Pichachoo Gods strike me down with lightning. I doubt anyone understands the pain that I went through as I was raised, when the only sort of entertainment on TV was anime`. Try it sometimes: watch anime` everyday, for a good 11 years of your life. It'll stop being fascinating because you don't see it everyday, and you've only seen "the good ones". Feel the pain. I just hope some idiot writes back and flames me on how stupid I am. It would prove me oh so right.
And of course, the vigilant anime fan who defends his passion with a witty slam.
