CDC: Initial Report on Anime causing Disease

[Rhyevaln]

Anicephylitis manris(anracophidioides crobois)
(Ah~nè se fill-eye tis man_riss )
AKA: Chronic Anime Syndrome or CAS

What is Chronic Anime Syndrome (CAS)?

-Abnormal condition of the human mental processes
-6 Different stages have been identified
-Amounts of CAS causing material released into the environment are measured in units called BCs (Broadcast series). However, the dose of CAS causing material that a person receives is measured in units called hours(also known as a unit of time).

How can exposure occur?

-People are exposed to small amounts of CAS emitting material every day, both from naturally occurring sources (such as passing by TV’s in stores (i.e. Best Buy, Target) in the household or direct rays from Asian Continents, and man-made sources. Man-made sources include some electronic equipment (such as television sets not limited to CRTs), medical sources (such as certain diagnostic tests, and treatments), and from “Anime” convention screen testing.
-The amount of CAS material from natural or man-made sources to which people are exposed is usually small; a mass CAS emitting material emergency (such as a well attended anime convention accident or a terrorist event) could expose people to small or large doses of CAS emitting material, depending on the situation.
-Internal exposure refers to CAS emitting material that is taken into the body through breathing, eating, or drinking (See: Special Treatment section).
-External exposure refers to an exposure to a CAS source outside of our bodies, mostly concentrated on the optic nerves.
-Harmless exposure refers to particles of CAS emitting material that are deposited anywhere that they are not supposed to be, such as on a black and white CRT or on a surface not suitable for staring at hours on end (i.e. ceilings, floors).

What happens to people who are exposed to CAS emitting material? (See Also: Stages of CAS)

-CAS can affect the body in a number of ways, and the adverse health effects of exposure may not be apparent for many years.
-These adverse health effects can range from mild effects, such as mild increases in introverted behavior (or opposite), to serious effects such as schizophrenia and death, depending on the amount of CAS absorbed by the body (the dose), the type of CAS, the route of exposure, and the length of time a person was exposed.
-Exposure to very large doses of CAS may produce serious symptoms within a few days.
-Exposure to lower doses of CAS may lead to an increased risk of developing a higher level of CAS (See: Stages of CAS) or other adverse health effects later in life.

Stages of CAS:

Stage 0:
BCs: <2
Dosage: <1 hour(s)
Estimated Cases: 2 Billion
Stage 0 of CAS is the lowest form having no ailing symptoms. However, this stage is at the highest risk for subsequent stages due to its extremely high inductiveness. Stage 0 cases are no cause for alarm if proper precautions are taken (See: Treatment section).

Stage 1:
BCs: 2 - 3
Dosage: 2 - 10 hour(s)
Estimated Cases: 1 Billion
Stage One is where subjects are consciously exposed to CAS material. 3 in 10 cases of Stage 1 have had no previous contact with CAS emitting material. Many have seen a particular BCs usually twice. Some show signs of expressing desires to produce ‘Fan websites’, ‘Web Shrines’ and or ‘Image Galleries’ of said BCs. Also many Stage 1’s actively search for other’s like themselves and sometimes are even impressed by the conditions of higher stages. This has yet to be explained logically or scientifically.

Stage 2:
BCs: 4 - 6
Dosage: 11 - 30 hours
Estimated Cases: Hundreds of Thousands
Stage 2 subjects have actually made significant changes in associations and time outside has diminished substantially. Many now have adopted the following jargon: Baka, Otaku, Dub, Sub, Manga, Chibi, Kawaii, AMV, and various other Japanese phrases and or words. This stage usually includes many either abandoned or currently working on websites totally dedicated to CAS emitting material. Many are members of clubs and or a circle of friends whom are known to have CAS. Some advocate its increased exposure to the general public. AMV’s are either actively watched or even made by subject suffering from Stage 2, however this occurrence is soon followed by a stage 3 diagnosis. A further and more developed staged 2 victim may write/read “Fanfics“ and/or draw/drawn Fan art. Forum Junkie is a side affect of this Stage. (For further information on Forum Junkie Syndrome go to www.forumjunkiesyndrome.com)

Stage 3:
BCs: 7 - 20
Dosage: <300 hours
Estimated Cases: 10 - 30 Thousand
This advanced stage has been nicknamed ‘NoT Stage’ (aka: Not Treatable). Cases exhibit strong opinions on the Dub/Sub debate and actively pursue forums exclusively about CAS material. This Stage no longer cares if their Fan-fics/art are any good, they write/draw them regardless, as if addicted. Studies are still being conducted on samples to determine why this behavior(if exhibited) is so strong. Many in this stage suffer from a budget crisis solely cause by purchases from underground sources that actually profit from this horribly addictive and contagious disease. Some reported symptoms of Stage 3 include: Attempts at learning Japanese, increased introvert behavior or increased extrovert behavior, completely incomprehensible conversations between CAS victims to outside listeners, problems with emotional control over new strands CAS, attendance at conventions and/or cosplay. Actual collections and even hordes of CAS emitting material have been reported. Stage 3 eat/have eaten Pocky. Jargon now includes: Torrents, BT, HK, rips, hentai, ecchi, Otaku etc. etc...

Stage 4:
BCs: 20+
Dosage: 300+ Hours
Estimated Cases: 10 Thousand
This stage is fairly rare thus far. Massive hordes of CAS emitting material have been known to exist within the residences of Stage 4 subjects. Many claim to be only Stage 3 or even 2 in order to be ‘normal’. They are far from Stage 3. Many subscribe to underground news sources and or have/made their own node or collecting/distributing information on CAS and anything related. Stage 4 no longer like Pocky due to massive amounts consumed in Stage 3. Stage 4 knows: Tokyo 3, at least the names of 2 Pokemon, Names of at least 3 Dragon Ball Z characters, who Hayao Miyazaki is among other various trivia regardless of affinity towards said CAS material that information belongs to. Many Stage 4 have chosen fictional “mates” from a particular material, serious or joke they have been chosen.

Stage 5:
BCs: 20+
Dosage: Unknown hours
Estimated Cases: 28
This stage thinks up weird crap like this in the shower and actually does it.


Treatment:
The only successful method of curing Stage 2 or lower (and in some rare cases Stage 3) is to administer

the following:

- Severe beatings for willingly exposing oneself to CAS emitting material.
- 1:1 ratio Cold Showers to 20+ minutes dosage exposure, followed by severe beatings.
- Forced to watch Excel Saga Dubbed. Twice, followed by recommend treatment for duration of exposure.
-Watch Titanic (or the entire) whenever tempted by CAS emitting material. This should drain you enough to be beaten severely without complaints.
- In severe cases, force subject to wear shoes that are too small.

Special Treatment:
If internally exposed to CAS emitting material:

- Floggings. Many of them. Now stop eating crap that isn‘t food.


This information hasn’t been brought to you by:
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Centers for Disease Control and Prevention


Written by Rhyevaln 2004 - 04 -12

[sweetstarfire]

[Kalium]

Stage 4:
BCs: 20+
Dosage: 300+ Hours
Estimated Cases: 10 Thousand
This stage is fairly rare thus far. Massive hordes of CAS emitting material have been known to exist within the residences of Stage 4 subjects. Many claim to be only Stage 3 or even 2 in order to be ‘normal’. They are far from Stage 3. Many subscribe to underground news sources and or have/made their own node or collecting/distributing information on CAS and anything related. Stage 4 no longer like Pocky due to massive amounts consumed in Stage 3. Stage 4 knows: Tokyo 3, at least the names of 2 Pokemon, Names of at least 3 Dragon Ball Z characters, who Hayao Miyazaki is among other various trivia regardless of affinity towards said CAS material that information belongs to. Many Stage 4 have chosen fictional “mates” from a particular material, serious or joke they have been chosen.

I'm screwed. Nowhere to go but ::!

[Rhyevaln]

The CDC has submitted a correction to their initial report, and is extremely sorry for the inconvienence. However they feel that it was necessary to make an announcement a.s.a.p.

Correction as follows is for the 4th recommened Treatment method:

-Watch Titanic (or the entire) whenever tempted by CAS emitting material. This should drain you enough to be beaten severely without complaints.

is should read:

-Watch Titanic (or entire Shirely Temple Movie Collection) whenever tempted by CAS emitting material. This should drain you enough to be beaten severly without complaints.

[Kalium]

You sure that won't induce suicide?

[Moonlight Soldier]

Hmm sitting comfortably at Stage 4...

But my god, not Titanic...anything but Titanic@!!!!

/hisses and hides under the bed *glares cat like*

[Declan_Vee]

[Rhyevaln]

You sure that won't induce suicide?

Dead people no longer exhibit signs of CAS, so technically they would be cured.



(oh gawd, I am horrible )

[Arigatomina]

So..um...if I've already seen the entire Shirley Temple collection, does that negate my excessive exposure, or just show that I need to watch Titanic more often?

Scary... o.o

[chabols]

would owning over 300 hours of CAS matiral be a stage 5 .... since i wath that martial every day for at last 2 hours?